<~>
on some deleted poem
19 Aug 2003, 11:19 AM
niiice.
Grim writing, quite liked it
Booooooo!
under 16years old, inventive.
over 20years old, simpleton
wistful, quite sparse in its language but throws up a few nice phrases 'potato faced bully' is nice
I am currently a Marine in Afghanistan. I came here with an attitude that I would eventually uderstand the people here better. I do understand them now. They are fatalistic and thick headed. None of them help one another or themselves. There is nothing but self pity in this country, and hatred for the rest of the world. I know that as soon as the UN forces leave this country the locals will put their women on leashes again, and all will be as it was again. I apologize for ranting. I enjoyed your uninhibited poem. (9)
your word selection always intrigues, 'syntax' and 'appropriate catholicism' are particularly effective in conveying how detached ritual is from death.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
19 Aug 2003, 2:48 PM
Fabulous deconstruction of meaning, my friend...
Nice remix! I like the concept, and breaking up the lines really helped move this along.
[you speak of her in both second and 3rd person--in this edit, I made it all 2nd, as she is so very near, still.] witness, the z edit:
Salt falls on veneer
Veiled in pauperâs wood,
The clock-watching chaplain sweats
As I refuse to leave you.
Staring at your headstone,
Looking at its immortalized syntax
Chosen at random by your rushed mother
Who coped when I faltered.
Itâs quiet here, and
fragrant colors are riot near.
At least youâre under the willow
You liked the thought of it weeping above you
And all I can say, in predictable cliche,
Is, God, how much I love you.
I stare
at the topaz clouds,
damasking heavens constant eye,
Wondering as I'm watching you
If you are watching I.
For now, I want to believe--
People always do, when they grieve.
Your epitaph,
emblazoned in appropriate Catholicism:
Words describing an everyman.
It doesnât matter to me,
For you are inscribed on my soul.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
19 Aug 2003, 2:49 PM
Wow...our styles are similar, huh?
good prose style poetry, meaty.
First verse seems a bit superfluous though, the poem would not lose any power without it I think
OK flows kind of well. Well communicated.
Lacking in any real originality though
Cheers mate!
Now time for a senseless plug
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'I woke up to the smell of lawn
I wondered why my boots were gorne?'
Is an ace rhyme
other than that you shouldn't rhyme you twice and then with poo. I guess you got bored.
horus8
on For Bo dEric, A poology (Stoid) by Jeremi Sliveraldo LOMGODO by <{Baba^Yaga}>
19 Aug 2003, 9:57 AM
Baba, you should of wrote my name down your shaft. For Eric and Liver! May your Mammary live on.
As funny as calling an overweight feminine melado adolescent boy a lesbian, and then eating his heart.
Also, if your appetite is insatiable, why not write more?
the images are good so too the wordplay.
But the crux of the poem linking swallowed tongue with swallowed words/promise/hidden depths doesn't really convince me.
Good though
call it a pimple and it is a good poem