I liked the presentation.. 7.

Care for an edit?

Once apon a midnight moon came a baker a night walker salt shaker, wavin her cheeks hasnt showered in two weeks I watched my friend pay 30 bucks thrown away he pressed his lips against her vertical smile he ended up in a pool of bile puking sour dough There.. not the best rewrite, but i think it tops your piece nevertheless. ;)

i dont like the way you decided to present this thing, looks as if you were having seizures when you put this together.

we are all watching, you.

cmon..i got the idea but you could of had more imagination with the presentation, it left me with a sensation of emptiness..5.

I'm somewhere between lost and found at the corner of walk and don't walk.

Kind of like the set out. You do it create pauses as the reader scans the page right? I'm with katie when I say I can not really connect with the poem. I prefer more simple language to draw you in. A very pretty poem, not sure where the logic is though

Lap dance at Cheetahs'

a bit prosaic and cliched. 'Blood on the pavement my mind elsewhere' I like though distant and irreverent

Why have you left out cansofcant and the special stuff, or are you saving those for later?

You and that other chick have already conquered the day. It's only 8 a.m.

nice one. alittle wrinkle here and there, but i felt it.

this is nice: The melodies we sang that compensate fond aches but you do try me with the rest of those phrases strung garishly together to beat upon my consciousness

save the last stanza. cut the rest. the last is the only one where you say what you really mean. maybe the problem is that you don't want to be honest with yourself in your poetry. maybe that is why you always abstract the meaning, hiding it in your own personal labyrinth.

Lots of good lines here, in fact there isn't a line that deviates from the mature style. Unfortunately I think the poem lacks a logic running through it. If there is a logic and at the end you can reveal it, it would make a very good poem I'll give you an -8- because there is a lot to recommend this

'Six years passed by, and so did my fever' is such a good line but it does not fit, shame. the ever/forever/whereever rhymes shouldn't really work. But this poem reads so well

Nice but does the poem have a purpose/ a meaning

I like the first three lines, kind of nonsense poem come dialect poem. the fourth line upsets the rhythm though. Nice to see a heavy metal fan not use politicised and loaded terms and build something out of simple language

Well, its a good read, but it didnt strike my fancy.. btw i came up with a cigar flavor for ice cream, i was thinking of calling it cubans.. ;P 8.