horus8
on some deleted poem
23 Jul 2003, 12:16 AM
Line 14 typo, other than that, charming.
what do you get
when you cross an owl
with a bungee cord?
MY ASS
- great poem bongshang
I hope you made a sandwich when you were done.
lol, I'm always amazed at how even a change to the drinking glass can make a difference.
'The earth is wisely dumb.
A poor deaf girl, dancing amongst ruins.' is excellent
What's this? you're idea of letting yourself off easy? Boo! <Bachus whip out his Kale gun, blows the dust off
hoofs the safety off, and lets three heads FLY! VOOMP VOOMP VOOMP> Anyone for a supremy dreamy salad? 3. Dig kid damnit! Dig! [wipeesh, a whip cracks]
"The pedals of love" Best line ever! What a bike! Dark Bagel once said to me "You must be one of those uncompromising street poetes" You can have that title now. lol. I'm done with it. When i was in prison there was the guard that would wake us up in the middle of the night like it was an emergency... Then he would laugh and start flexing like a boddy building WWF steroid monkey. We called him the python man. What a waste of mashed potatos that bastard was. I never got any sleep.
Top twenty poems
poem style avg # authormissing timeFree verse 7.14 49Bill Z. BubBlue Sky Diner, Thursday NightFree verse 7.00 30<~>Gamma Ray MachineFree verse 6.97 40god'swifefixin' - a tale of woeFree verse 6.93 14hipster flareFalling AsleepLyric 6.88 14MiggyExtra Strength TylenolFree verse 6.86 35DurtKLInstructions to a SculptorFree verse 6.86 83ChristofBread & OrangesFree verse 6.84 37god'swifeI am the gayestOde 6.83 9-=Dark__Angel=-The BloodingFree verse 6.79 71Mr PigThe Wooden Armchair Of Similar DreamsFree verse 6.78 14CaducusThe Order Of ThingsFree verse 6.77 30Mr Pigi will not come to bangladeshFree verse 6.75 23lost in americaSome ThingsFree verse 6.75 10ChristofFamily PortraitFree verse 6.75 18Mr PigGoodbyeFree verse 6.75 18Sunshine ConkeyWatching My Childhood VanishFree verse 6.74 13CaducusDamaged By 'Weakness'Other 6.74 22Mr PigThe Last Words She SaidFree verse 6.73 56CaducusThe GentlemanFree verse 6.68 57-=Dark_Angel=-
And then some.
One flew over the lark's nest.
beautiful!
Some really nice lines and the overall idea is poignant and handled pretty well. I'm not sure who you're talking to in the first stanza--the daughter, I assume? yourself?--or how it ties into the rest--releasing words and "releasing" a child? Needs a clearer connection. I think your ending would be stronger if you lopped off the last line and ended on 'world'. Minor stuff--use what you can. Well done!
Wow, Intransit! Lots to like here! Love the dirty feet that tell tales of wandering; the fields of sage (connotations of purification) and the hills described as hips--love the yearning and the pained refusal to fall. Why "in triplicate?" Maybe "on my own" instead of "with my own?" Also, modifiers tend to dilute images--consider dropping "gently," "whispered," "ever blueing" (this last I'd replace with something stronger--heck, even plain old "blue" skies would work better here, I think. YMMV. ;) Terrific work.
Confused me on the first read. Was thinking you went from second person to first person then finished and it made sense. Had to read it over to get the full feel of it. Nice poem... short and direct to the point and the meaning. Keep on writing, as a fellow poet I can speak for us all saying we like seeing others ideals to widen our own.
You set my heart on an ending that would compliment the beginning and that I didn't get. Being mislead or supprised by verse doesn't do anything for me. Had I not set my mind to how I wanted it ended I'm sure it would have been great. Not knocking your work by any means it was still good.
Keep on writing, as a fellow poet I can speak for us all saying we like seeing others ideals to widen our own.
Interesting.