horus8
on Pendulum swing lines by INTRANSIT
15 Jun 2003, 12:07 PM
Flattering
A balloon (freeverse) by a child
A balloon blown to be popped/
seen cuz it's all red/
above the idiots/
fed by hot air/
all the time pre-space/
then just a balloon/
in balloon heaven
You should read this first, and then proceed with the utmost caution. good luck.
http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?i
separate. you're simplicity is better'n mine.
Shat, shate, and shating make reading any poor poets poem worth it, but the rest of your work here is shat, and particularly general and unimaginative. Perhaps if you would have fucked Dina with a dwarf's gnarled caloused fist holding a square bowling ball? Or turned the spider into Carl Jung's left testicle carrying a rose in it's teeth, maybe if you added the noise of an airplane flying overhead, or a loudspeaker ending a factory's break, I might of felt more connected?
Take out the explanation and just capitalize it, and let it stimulate both ideas whether month or person, the end explains it fine. Except take your parenthesied gibberish out.
This piece is by far one of your more accesible poems. I liked it, because it helped my see you better.
Lord, don't let me in. Save yourself from the onslaught of homosexuals, niggers, chinks, and Jews that would inturn ensue. Think of the integrity of heaven Lord. I believe, Lord, I must decline because I love you and the others to much to risk the impurity.
I concure with Richa. It's too loose.
My otra comment is lost, and should go back to whenceforth it came. Keee-lar.
I think "Distant friend,". Other than that, Fairly nice. -7-
Could have been done better, should have ryhmed better in some places (i.e. Jack be nimble, but he just synched his) and You forgot some major ones such as Humpty Dumpty, Litte Mack Horner, and Little Miss Blew Sheep. -1- just because you took my Idea and fucked it up. J/K -7-.
the last two were brilliant
Pimple Poem Buddy. Felt by you and every one else. Love the Title, Hate the Drivel beneath. Not trying to be mean but I've got a bummer sticker that says the same damn thing without being nearly as long or annoyingly repeative, while stating the obvious.