regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 64.140.228.253	7-Jan-07/3:26 AM
Good--like the language.
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 64.140.228.253	7-Jan-07/3:36 AM
Dovina is right about the tense. This is a decent poem--fix the tense and it will be better.
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 64.140.228.253	7-Jan-07/3:47 AM
This is worth reading--you paint some great images here--some are slightly over-done for my taste but it is a solid effort overall.
Re: Darkroom Dancer by MacFrantic	some deleted user 64.140.228.253	7-Jan-07/3:51 AM
Very good--great imagery.
Re: Dream Grower by Enkidu	some deleted user 64.140.228.253	7-Jan-07/3:56 AM
Good work--solid images.
regarding some deleted poem...	some deleted user 64.140.228.253	7-Jan-07/4:04 AM
Not bad--my only suggestion would be to put a comma after "potion" and get rid of the uneeded "and."
Re: Take that thing off your head by lukehanney	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 81.151.148.170	7-Jan-07/7:23 AM
Of course they banned veils in French schools. A silly law if you ask me, and one that betrays their fundamental misunderstanding of what separation of Church and State really means. I'm told they also banned the teaching of Religious Education. Again, a pitiful decision. They probably don't understand that Religious Education doesn't have to promote any particular religion, or even present arguments for or against religion. It merely instructs people on the belief sets of the major religions: valuable information for anyone wanting to avoid giving unnecessary offence. I hold a half-GCSE in Religious Education (grade B), and it has prevented many a faux pas in my time. The British RE half-GCSE can basically be summed up in three lines: Hindus believe in Hindu. Islams believe in Muslim. Christians are normal.
regarding some deleted poem...	Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199	8-Jan-07/3:46 AM
A stout yeoman of a poem.
regarding some deleted poem...	Dovina 75.82.85.162	8-Jan-07/3:33 PM
I also like the flow of this, and find it an improvement on "A Moment in Time." Still, some of it seems too etherial or splendid, like "shines forth in splendour" "glorious amber". Also, "the wheel moves through the water" seems strange; the waterwheels I've seen rotate above the pond by weight of water applied to their tops. it's a good picture though.
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 63.167.136.250	9-Jan-07/1:48 PM
anthropomorphizing "life" is a problematic poetic decision, rather, consider describing how one might make that search; the thought process, images or metaphor that relate to it. as far as being near the restless sea - what makes it so? don't tell me it is restless, show me that it is. How does one determine how deep the water is when standing on the shore? Do you mean the height of the cliff mentioned in the second stanza? Confusing. a larger question - what is the relationship between restlessness and seeking a perfect life? since there is no imagery, really, the first stanza simply becomes "I was peering into the sea searching for perfection [in my life]" use some poetic tools (besides rhyme, please), engage the readers senses. Now the second stanza, that generates some emotion and imagery, but it does so because it is easy for the reader to plug in his own image. I, for one, ignored the question of how I got to the cliff in the first place and just pictured the red arc of the bleeding seeker. Mostly one walks away from this with "oh, hey - he rymed 'perfection' and 'reflection'. hopefully not too rambling, my rambling. I'm afraid it mostly boils down to "show, don't tell".
regarding some deleted poem...	Shuushin 63.167.136.250	10-Jan-07/6:33 AM
"worship of thee" is an awkward prepositional construction; never trade meaning for meter or as a concession to an adjacent line. Consider "...worship *before* thee" as mentioned in Psalm 22:27 or Revelation 15:4. "of thee" is more typically associated with Indian or Islamic religions (and they tend not to use English as a first language). That archaic objective case second person singular pronoun just seems to be another concession to rhyme with "sea", and the duplicated "me". Captain's log, btw, generally doesn't make much noise (unless it is Kirk's voiceover). Maybe a splashing noise as it hits the water? Did you intend it as a metaphor for a priest?
Re: Exile in New Hamshire by AlexandraLeaving	Shuushin 63.167.136.250	10-Jan-07/6:46 AM
oh hey, I really like the tendons of this. Sure, some typos. If I had to change anything I'd put in more specific and interesting color words. and a better word, or descriptive phrase (better) than "departure". similarly - "vanquished" is iffy. And maybe instead of the last "New Hampshire", a more specific town, or maybe a county. dunno. Easily could be a 10 in my book.
Re: Russian absinthe by AlexandraLeaving	Shuushin 63.167.136.250	10-Jan-07/7:01 AM
A Doctor Zhivago reference? Ivan Komarovsky? But I'm thinking that since you are from New York, it might be Mirra? But you said "he" earlier. I dunno now. I'm just being silly - it must be Zhivago. Maybe it's just some random guy. Anyway - I like the poem Post more things please.
Re: Brains for Barter by Dovina	Shuushin 63.167.136.250	10-Jan-07/7:42 AM
You're improving, Dovina (to my ear, anyway ;o) okay. I'd loose the second "I'd" and two of the three "Your"s (prolly keep the second, loose the others). In general, and you can take this away to your other things, try to remove the words that don't advance the meaning (like scenes in a movie that don't advance the story). I know this is more of a lighter poem but it is still worth the exercise. Probably.
Re: Brains for Barter by Dovina	richa 81.178.70.203	10-Jan-07/12:22 PM
The last line is a bit of a let down. It's the right idea but the image needs to be more interesting. The language in the first verse is a bit flakey.
Re: Fragrant Love by Engelbert Humpalot	unouluvme 65.112.121.29	10-Jan-07/1:52 PM
wow. if you really did this you're a bitch.but it does make a good poem.
Re: May Sinners Rot In Fucking Hell! by Sing4Jesus!	unouluvme 65.112.121.29	10-Jan-07/1:54 PM
what a load of crap. i get the feeling youre not really a christian
regarding some deleted poem...	unouluvme 65.112.121.29	10-Jan-07/1:57 PM
this is cute but in a mature way (if thats possible.) i like it.
regarding some deleted poem...	richa 81.178.70.203	10-Jan-07/2:37 PM
I don't think 'for the captain's log' fits in here. What do you mean by it in the context of the poem.
Re: The dancers by richa	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 80.47.198.114	10-Jan-07/4:02 PM
A good try!