| Re: Particle Deceleration by MacFrantic |
Dovina 208.127.72.72 |
9-Dec-06/6:23 AM |
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The last two lines seem unsupported by the rest. I think "doom" is too telling; we get the point without it. Otherwise good.
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| Re: Ode to the Bun by Stephen Robins |
some deleted user 64.140.228.131 |
9-Dec-06/10:51 AM |
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| Re: Ode to the Bun by Stephen Robins |
Nicholas Jones 81.154.134.97 |
10-Dec-06/4:51 AM |
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| Re: Particle Deceleration by MacFrantic |
some deleted user 64.140.228.139 |
10-Dec-06/5:17 AM |
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This is good--great imagery.
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| Re: The Day Before Christmas by grumpycrafter |
some deleted user 64.140.228.139 |
10-Dec-06/5:20 AM |
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| Re: Light in the Darkness by grumpycrafter |
some deleted user 64.140.228.139 |
10-Dec-06/5:34 AM |
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This is not bad, although I think you could make the last stanza stronger. For one thing, the rest of the poem tells us you're in the darkness, so you don't need to repeat darkness twice because we allready know that's what your trying to climb out of.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Nicholas Jones 81.154.134.97 |
10-Dec-06/6:12 AM |
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I like this, although it's a little clumsy. It reminds me of the poems about insomnia I have written.
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| Re: Cloche. by howl |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
10-Dec-06/10:28 AM |
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This is very good indeed. A couple too many instances of 'the' for my taste.
A subway, a tram and a policeman with a torch? Where are you?
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| Re: The blankness of his life by Nicholas Jones |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
10-Dec-06/10:29 AM |
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This simply has to be favourited.
Don't think you need the 'what?' at the start of line three. Other than that, wonderful. Can you please write something happy though?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
10-Dec-06/10:33 AM |
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Nice - as Nicholas says, it's a bit awkward. I think it would work well with some loose rhyming. I hate rewriting other peoples' work, but this is something like what I mean;
Four A.M. and I am awake, reading Dunn
sipping cold coffee and needing a
cold corn muffin, like it were the last one
of a condemned man
I know that changes the scene a little, but it's more the sound that I like there.
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| Re: Self Portrait by Dovina |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
10-Dec-06/10:34 AM |
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| Re: Ode to the Bun by Stephen Robins |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
10-Dec-06/10:38 AM |
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How can your face be like a fat isoceles triangle? Is it trying to imitate Fraser's legs?
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| Re: From pains inside by Prince of Void |
Ranger 62.252.32.15 |
10-Dec-06/10:40 AM |
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| Re: California triolets by zodiac |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.227.214 |
10-Dec-06/11:10 AM |
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I thought it said "California toilets" Sorry. It would have been better thus.
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| Re: California triolets by zodiac |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.227.214 |
10-Dec-06/11:10 AM |
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I thought it said "California toilets" Sorry. It would have been better thus.
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| Re: Ode to the Bun by Stephen Robins |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.227.214 |
10-Dec-06/11:12 AM |
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I think you will find there are three Ts in twattish.
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| Re: War Begins on Tuesday by Nicholas Jones |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.227.214 |
10-Dec-06/11:14 AM |
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| Re: Uncontrolled scribblings one luch break by Nicholas Jones |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.227.214 |
10-Dec-06/11:15 AM |
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Pretentious and ill-spelled.
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| Re: On returning to a town where I used to live by Nicholas Jones |
Edna Sweetlove 85.210.227.214 |
10-Dec-06/11:15 AM |
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If this is poetry I am a Chinaman
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| Re: The blankness of his life by Nicholas Jones |
some deleted user 64.140.227.60 |
10-Dec-06/2:45 PM |
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