<~>
on Break Dancing Charlie by <{Baba^Yaga}>
15 Jan 2003, 10:28 PM
was it my tape deck?
why must you ?
never mind.
watch out for the gas when you drop them in the tank.
Now that's humour. bravo...If you could have three wishes what would they be in reverse?
A sweet poem, I liked where you went with stanza 1 felt I was there for a minute. The last 4 lines are almost redundant, so you need the heaven bit? otherwise it scrapes an 8 well done
"but yet we are all on are own" are should be our.
"We are together, but yet we are all on are own
The darkness calls through use of wind in the night like a savior coming
to heal our old wounds".
this mass of words should be combined and compressed more vertical into four together sentences like the other stanzas in your poem...and the rest is great have a 7..with corrections, i wouldn't be suprised to see this getting 8's and 9's and even a the rare 10. trust me.
<Bachus enters the room soaking wet, nick! there's a typhoon outside...shit...my equipments soaked..well have to wait for it to dry out for an hour or two before my interview..> [actually i have to go play for some quick cash, be back in two hours..do forgive me...i want this exclusive to be well.. perfect.]
if you change the 2nd line to this:
thus becoming lazy
and the last to this:
but it won't make me move.
your rhyming will be easier on the brain, and your meter on the ear.
some very nice moments.
your last stanza feels incomplete (though beautiful) to me.
very sweet. excellent idea for a poem. nice comparison.
okay, adult crticism, since you posted on an adult site:
dandelions don't lose color at night; they close up. it's really cool to watch. so, lesson #1: write about what you know. that being said, the 'help' page on this site has some great references. this is one of my favorites:
http://www.uni.edu/english/craft/imagery
l'homme p-p: voulez-vous couchez avec moi, ce soir?
le moutarde: mais non! buzz off!
warp. weft. heft. theft. those neurochemicals, they're fleet afoot.
dream a little dream of crocheted knees.
<Bachus starts the tape deck>
Nick, would it be alright if i played radio head the bends in the back ground? thanks...
so nick are you a communist?
Alot of great actors came out of wales like richard burton, and i think peter o'toole is that accurate?, and what do you think about their work?
especially o'toole in dr. strangelove? 10.
How do you feel about the welsh as a people having been, of course, swallowed up by the british as a people and culture with their own language? Was it pretty much the same with the scots and the irish? Are your ancestors from the lost continent of Atlantis? Is that why you cats talk so funny? just kidding...
Who are your favourite poets and musicians? 5 0f each please...have you ever been to iceland? It's weird how they dig american country aye? by the way..this poem was incredible, and i love your work.
fuck that was wild! woahhhh! <as fake plastic trees comes on> Nick, how old were you when you felt your first pulling towards the inevitable depravity of the written word? how old are you now? what's your sign, and how is your relationship with your parents?
As a silly american i can't help but get a strong david gilmour roger waters vibe here...beautiful...Nick what's your special month and thing to do on your birth day, and is there any one in particular you spend your time with?
you think that's pretty clever don't you boy...flying along on your motorcycle...oh sorry..i broke another mirror.....DON'T LEAVE ME HIGH, DON'T LEAVE ME DRY. <Bachus is nodding off to high and dry, nick smacks him awake saying...you just don't get it do you bong boy! yeah..i guess i don't nick. but you know what...it's the best thing that you ever had...the best thing that you had has gone away.....so don't fucking leave me high don't leave me dry...because, i wouldn't do that to you, as you can see..i'm ears wide open, but my flippant nature is too pheromonic? nay man..look to your left...see that flourescent pink life jacket? that's me treading these fourty foot swells also..nice poem.
<Bachus light a clove and pours them both some scotch>
So, Nick, who do you enjoy reading on poemranker, and what's up with the whole dark angel introspective?
how many people alive currently between the ages of 10 and 50 know what the word soporific means? No really...stop laughing i'm serious.
<nick and bachus throw their drinks back and share a moment>
God..it's times like these..you know?
Shit...i've seen places like that...umm, not, granted with unpronounce-able mames, but similiar..this poem had me on the edge of my seat, and yes, nick you've always been my secret facination here at the ranker..i just felt a bit..stupid around you, because obviously..i've never been able to go to school..i love your poetry..your culture, and your people..they are ancient warriors and extremely gifted, and i feel privilaged to have spent this time with you this evening thank you and good night.
dammit. why is no one ever awake when i am?