<~>
on some deleted poem
3 Jan 2003, 7:01 AM
insert the lines 'decked in orange marigolds/and licked with winded honey' after the 'squeak!' and then, my friend, you will have a REAL haiku.
What, no noir Scottish zombies? This is very funny--you're a regula Dashiell Hammett. But whaddaya gonna do?
Show me the dance, don't just tell me about it. Lose the soaring spirits and dreamy dream dreaming. See how Roethke does it? http://gawow.com/roethke/poems/43.html
Stick Jacko's dick up your arse.
Like the subject, quite like the poem but how impressed I would be to read it completely from the animals perspective, now that would earn maximum points, I might have a go at it - see I'm inspired !
(Went to see the chimps once as a kid and they chuked their shit at everyone gawping at them, THATS POETIC JUSTICE ) good day sir heres a 6
Not that this is bad, it's not, it just seems a long trip to say "I stayed sober for the new years festivities and it was worthwhile"
I wanted to ding you for the glowing radio dial, but I can't. I also would like to express my apology for coming at you badly at times. I would like to see what you can do with another form of poetry,sometime. May the gods of Misery be fruitful upon you in the coming year.
Rich
Not as bright as your other poems, but I'm going to assume those were fussed over more than this one. I Like your style a great deal. I feel as if you are recounting something for me, and I like that. I find people reveal the most important information when they're just quietly having conversation. I think the ending jives very well with the theme.
This is way too over the top. You turn me off from reading the rest pretty much immediately. "Escaping from this..." sounds like a sentence that escaped from a -=Dark_Angel=-'s lastest entry. This poem lacks a seriousness. 'phosphorescent sizzling metaphor'!? That's just ugly.
Important subject, needs re-writing. Don't tell me what I should believe, tell me what happened. I'll form my own conclusions. You keep crossing over the line between insight and righteousness. The last line is completely unneccesary. The first three stanza deserve being worked on. The rest appears to be a reflection, not a poem at all.
"crossing over the line between insight and righteousness" yep.
since this is a topic i know well i'll help clarify what my sister means, by giving you an example of a poem i wrote about the same thing, but from an entirely different perspective, about 5 or sixth months ago. granted, in no way do you have to be as dark, as me, or brooding, but you should try to alway create an atmosphere to grow your words in a terrarium where the can grow, even after you leave...pet's that care for themselves in a sense..the reader will do the rest, by applying it to what they have in common with your poem. for example.
http://poemranker.com/poem-details.jsp?i
have you seen a rare and hardly talked about garage play from vancouver called 'the utopian pubic lice that changed god's shaving technique forever'? aka. we wont shave for the tourists. changed me life and, the roof fell there too..that's why i mentioned it..i mean. is the painting okay though? still blank and expensive i hope?
Some good lines, but wordy. You could drop the whole first stanza and, with a minor tweak here and there, lose nothing by it. Do people really say "ill from drink" where you're from (in the high desert)? "Fogged from eating bread"--meh. I like the waiting for the sign from the heavens but then rejecting the two church girls and even "contribute to their saving." Ha. Chimes would not make me think of a symphony--something simpler maybe. Pretty good, but could be cleaner.
h--i liked this very much, but it ain't a villanelle. for a tongue-in-cheek, fill-in-the-blanks look at the pattern of a villanelle, see nentwined's "killer boredom butterfly (esoteric). you gotta repeat and exchange the lines, mon frere. and it's all ababababababab rhyming. mayb baba should wright it? she's got the chops and the name for it.
just go on and change this to free verse, and leave it be. there's a few picayunes, but i'll get back to you on those.
ta.
remo williams, the adventure begins...naw..kidding.. sweet read.
Lovely
see also: 'ending' http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
fanfuckingtastic, and appropriately tuned for YK03 resolutions.
Yup.
DIE WANKER!