Limness
on TRIBUTE TO A FRIEND by Nicholas Monson
5 Dec 2002, 7:21 AM
entertaining. but i think you could do it better--it's choppy in places, and i have seen that you possess command enough to mend this.
wow...you're talented!L
Your poems seem to have a the black thread of hypocrisy running through them. You point out the weakness in others, which for me personally, is a big turn off. Righteous indignation is also hypocritical. Di you ever turn the magnifying glass on yourself, it burns but usually reveals more relevent and touching details.
Another possibility:
"Yet, should we capture the waning song..."
Or perhaps "its refrain waning" and : "the fading song..." or
"the dying song..."
I hope this helps:)
craftless.
Let's not confuse vulgarity with art.
great metaphors. ironically, i feel the affection and cautious lack of attractions. well-crafted, sir.
the last line is inconsistant and base. it interrupts the flow and tone.
The SS are on you, there known for their sense of humour (cough cough) -7-
Oh My......................................
Well done Mr Faust, a fine label to this whine <8>
It conjures up a beautiful image. It blows me away. "...dogs like mastadons thundering the suburban savannahs...". Wow. My first ever 10
Heh, PK, you're top division. Great stuff. No quarrel with it. 9
seig heil! 7 swastikas!
Huge fun but if you use verse why not be strict about it (like your s & m hero) - repeating the same number of beats. I think that way it would be funnier (and work better). Go on, do another draft.
this is magical, like that time i made them clear my lawn with their teeth. 9 swastikas! (it'd be 10, but i want a stronger word where "know" is)
I don't think I have either the time or patience to read this all through. I'm sure its good tough so I will give it 5, at least for the real effort.
Excellent, I really enjoyed this. I think it is a wonderful example of two different worlds being not so different.
It does get irritating. Bloody influencing Yank Colleges and soriety clubs.
well...