ciantu
on some deleted poem
5 Dec 2002, 2:33 PM
you should be a botonist
twas sorta retarded
pretty
what are you on?
i want some
Blade Blade on the run
Cuz you voted yourself to # 1
Do you think you earned the prize?
oh, with my combo i want fries?
and my change promptly...by the way... nice name tag.
actually...it's "like...oh my god!" don't you listen?
You tell such great stories in your poems! I like this a lot, great details. A few comments:
Second stanza, third line: s/b preferring
Maybe drop "disorienting" next stanza and just go with "awakening to a vacant land"? Also, maybe end on a comma, not a period, so it runs into "chilled, surrounded by sand . . ." Not sure if you mean there "surrounded by sand; your smile; an echo of what was left of the moon" (i.e., surronded by all three)--right now, it kind of reads as if you're comparing his smile to an echo of the moon.
I love "limbless, carnal movements," but "hip" in the next line throws me, maybe "slide and sway?" and drop the mother line? (i.e., limbless carnal movements, signature of [something] and sway.) Did you put the mother line b/c of mother's milk/milking venom? Not sure I get that.
Comma after "truck" rather than period.
Last stanza is terrific. Hell, the whole thing is.
"Peerless" sound doesn't seem right.
VERSE: NICOTENE VALIUM VICODEN MARAJUANA ECSTACY AND ALCOHOL. CHORUS: C-C-C-C-C-COCAINE.
unfortunately technology and religion have compacted the clarity of this theory into a gray formless matter called "faith supported by nucleur henchmen" all is lost my friend...for the time being natural selection as we knew it...has been reversed with some unidentified mutations...that being metaphorically speaking a pro wrestler weilding the most powerfull scientific weapons ever imagined..having had a stint in the military..i can say with all honesty..a nucleur winter will be the sore back of our current health situation...wait until you see the heart diseased equivalent..the hybrid n. bomb coupled with an ebola virus cherry. i respect your studies, your position, and the fact that you de-masked yourself to add a sense of honesty to this argument..i hold you in high honor on this day. until tomorrow than.
spank spank.
congradulations. a wonderfull and warmingly simple piece..celebrating the relationship between the cat lover and his/her loved felines backyard explorations.
thank you for proving that the crap poeme-pump is still in service.
Redundant. Lacks emotional language, or better said, the emotion is lost, I can't explain. I want to believe the fear, feel it.
What are bugglers, do you mean buglers? The Queen be analogy is too much of a stretch; how and who exactly, is waiting to feast on your nose?
A few too many tics, and typos. Go through with the spell check.
very good but i didnt really care for the ending
what are you on?
i want some
I like it a lot. nicely done.