<{Baba^Yaga}>
on Woke Up by brazen
18 Oct 2002, 4:03 PM
really takes off in the second stanza, and finishes nice. i give you a 69. oh. can't go that high..i see...than an 8. for you and your mate
This is a pleasant read.
it does degenerate. but it has moments of lovliness. will you put the time in to make it shine? until then, have a 7
this makes you sound like you are after 14 yr olds. true? boo.
I think you could go somewhere with this, if you wanted to. On the other hand I also agree with Cristof.
i was at that gathering and can vouch for most of it...how is the boatman these days? still plaing cards with geyron? great descriptive dandys in this ditty. 7.
taxidermied, and tuched in for elvis. i gyrate my pelvis. then leave the building. 8.
No curmudgeon could have written" Instructions to a sculpter". The only reason you have ex-girlfiends is because their glasses were dirty. Very diry indeed! Happy 29th approaching!
This poem is bloated. No wonder you mention previously that you and your friends are gouty. I love the last stanza.
Some of the images are a bit confusing. "greener than leaves" hunting season is in the fall when the leaves are changing, so this loses me. why is he blinded. Did he hit himself with the recoil? "uncradled slivers of blue
shoot heavenward" is confusing. I think I know what you are saying, but it is not necessarily coming across.
I am not a big fan of asking questions in poems. Te me a poet has figured something out, gained some clarity or understanding from questions posed and that forces the writing. You seem to still be pondering something and maybe the poem is there. I really like the last stanza and the implied usage of the "what's in a name" is most excellent, but I still think this is a work in progress.
Some nice images, but I trip up on the flow. But I suppose that is just me. I am more fond of poems flying by.
just think if you did a i80 and started walking, you guys might meet up in china then, you could feed the pandas and get naked in the bamboo. i hate bamboo. burp.
i could make you let go. might be a great addition to the end. also trapples, or tramples? perhaps the latter? editing, is for the devil.
horus8 GOLDEN CUE-TIP AWARD ON THIS FINE OCTOBER DAY. can i play the triangle? 10.
Not bad as a series of musical images. Don't know if you tried to put the poem in sonata-allegro form -- it sounds like that a little, but if so it needs work.
Haven't I voted on this four times in the last four hours now?