Christof
on some deleted poem
1 Oct 2002, 7:51 AM
A wall of sound then? Can you hear it from space?
Wow. I'm suprised at how good this is. Usually this style is executed very badly.
Show me the memories. Don't tell about memories. "Suddenly I shatterer. Striking the cold concrete reality of her/No longer desiring my words/ No longer craving my touch/ I lie broken./And she, with her Blah,blah blah,(description of her) and full of life moves on./ I belong to this silence/ I am frozen in this sorrow. I hope I'm not being to presumptious. I'm not implying this is the way the poem should be written, I'm just trying to give you an example of how you should play with the draft til it's as pretty as it can be. Then/They/My/I/Of must be avoided as much as possible. Show me what 's happening don't explain it to me.
I took it to mean that the sculpture is a portrait of you and that the sculptor was better positioned to know where your fatal flaw lies, in your head or in your heart. Am I way off?
Actually, I saw a sweeter side to this. Or maybe I should windex my minds eye.
Hahahahahahaha!!! Totally unexpected. great punchline, you sick bastard.
Not a vase? A paperweight? or maybe it IS a good friend! (Do I get it?!) hmmm...
I did not call you an idiot; I said your comment and rebuttal were full of idiocy, which they were. But I am sorry if I hurt your feelings in any way. I am a kind man who is fond of goats. And the day is lovely in California, so I shall only give you sweet regards from this moment hence. God is dead.
I believe the flaw is your over-sized heart. I really enjoy the rhymn scheme.
O.k. you've got a point, so here goes...You begin to stray at the last line of S2. You redeem yourself slightly in S3 and then finish it on a bad line again. The first thing I'm confronted with is why did you right this poem in the first place? Is this Humor? Is this Bitterness? what is this? the reader is not going to walk away with something to think about or a revelation of any kind. You lose your focus throughout. It becomes a pain to read through your pain, or what ever it is, I'm utterly clueless, because you leave no clues. Better
I must agree with Brazen - good show. Nice to meet you Cobalt.
This is strangely old-fashioned, like Francis Thompson or something, but the rhythm bounces away with inevitability - smashing
Things don't sound so good for you and your man if this is anything to go by... Stanza 3 is especially good, I like the personification of insanity, which is like another self taking over the usual self.
I want more from this little poem. The subject si an important one, and there is so much material there to draw from. I think you should continue working on this and fleshing it out more. Make some observations about the dynamics between co-workers or some such thing. The contrast between nature and interior is too predictable. Wasn't there a poem posted about 2 weeks ago on the subject of office life that was pretty good I can't find it. Can any one tell me?
I like the rythm of this (kinda like the wind - hey, cool!)
I'm sorry that things had gone so bad for you but I hope now that they are better... excellent write! :o)
No this isn't the one I was speaking of. I hadn't read this. Again the insid eoutside comparison is a bit too predictable, but you handle the inside very well. And the image of a men in tie & trousers rolling down a grassy slope is wonderful. My boyfriends an engineer at a giant defense company. the first thing he does when he leaves the building is take off his shirt and tie and walk to his car bare chested.
Do I know you? Pierced is miss-spelled at end.