i have changed the poem.

Sorry for the narrow-minded comment!on rereading it I found the dreaful sadness which cries out of the first stanza and the whole work.once more though it will change nothing I'll add my vote.

My God that is awful... maybe too close, as you say.

Amelea why would you post this message in my poem's comment section? You didn't even vote. Did you read the poem or did you just come to get my attention?

I like the first one. It cracks my shit up. I've encountered many drivers like that before and have gone on similar rants. The second one, however, is one walking talkign cliche. I have seen so many really bad teenaged movies where the dork gets a date to the prom and sobs because her dress is ugly or she doesn't get the captain of the football team and is stuck with the president of the AV club that are just like this poem. Write a haiku about an aspect of American society that you are in touch with.

YOu are actually making me want to think about maybe reworking some of this old material that I got bored of years ago. Still, your use of well done, if it was a "metaphor" as you say in your last message, was very weak. I suggest that you develop that more.

That's great Zz, I think you should be stubborn. That line is like opitical illusion. Yhis morn. I can read it perfectly and yesterday also when I first read it I had no trouble. Last night for some reason... my brain you know.

Here you are!

Is this a poem about a mime? It could be. Not really a poem though is it? Sounds like a good talking to.

Ted Hughes? Well, maybe if it was two pages longer. I read this a few times now, cuz, it's a "thinking" poem. Where is lemonade when you need her? The first stanza really pulled me in. The observation is crisp. And I like the conclusion, but I am tied up on the "We". Is it a personal observation or are you dragging in all humankind. And forget the crows, the magpies will displace them. So it is all for naught.

... and what exactly did you want me around for? I find that there are a few weak spots in this piece. While I adore the final stanza and "Dark corps. Union of black. Displacing the lesser fowl," the rest of it needs work. I find that the metaphor in the first 5 lines is not very well constructed. What is their ideology? It seems there that you have taken something as obvious that is not necessarily so. How does the second stanza tie into your metaphor? It seems more a rant on society than a piece of art that helps us to see our flaws. I can see what you're trying to say there, but I think that it could be better expressed.

you are right Christof; this one is still too close. i found out yesterday, at work, that a friend hadn't made it to the party on sunday because he passed away. no wonder he didn't return any phone calls.

mrs.g, brazen, alexander: thanks. i took some of your suggestions, mrs. g. i like 'tells'; it's the way i use it, so i'm going to be stubborn and leave it. but i appreciate the help.

"Well done" as in over cooked not as in "oh my god this is a fantastic display of talent." I though you were a master of the metaphor. Too many adjectives make a burnt poem.

That is better, there's just still something not quite there... the diction in the second stanza I find stilted maybe, very unlike you, and it's a shame because this is very moving.

I really like this-9/10

It's creepy and very dark, I like it-10/10

the 'oh well's' destroy this poem.

Obviously the motivation is there. Try to creat a story, paint us a picture of the two of you.

The 3rd stanza makes your poem wothy of a 9 and the last a lovely 10.beautiful!