vulcan
on some deleted poem
1 Sep 2002, 2:11 AM
nice!The last stanza is the best.6
Memorable lines"cry without voice
Die without body"liked it7
the story is good,but it sounds as if you mean to reach the end of it as quickly as you can.(each sentence has the finality of a finale).I dare suggest you add some lines to your first stanza.something missing.wish you further success.(your angel is exceptional!)7
a memorable night for a poet.original metaphor that of hormones.
This is your weakest to date. I agree with some of what has been said above. Also quite unlike you, you have not checked for grammatical accuracy e.g "...Rio, because wouldn't IT be nice..."
And please "..the woman I loved more than cheeseburgers... " So you loved this woman more than the meat of a dead poor defenceless animal that never did anyone any harm !
The crown is slipping.
A touching and heartfelt poem. Nice.
A point well made. A poem well drawn. It's shit but you meant it so. 10 upon 10 upon 10 upon 10. I think I love you.
I didn't write this, so I didn't mean it to be shit or otherwise. I posted it because I said that I would post some local newspaper poetry.
If you could hike around the mountain of pretension and swim throught the sea of obvious tongue-in-cheekness, I might believe it wasn't you swarming around the bee-hive of illusion. 0
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
31 Aug 2002, 9:59 PM
Weapon of choice? And I guess I am not sure what mean by the other: top three spots, etc.
It's nice but it's not poetry. I don't care what you call it. Just because prose is broken up into lines and stanzas that doesn't mean that it's a poem.
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
31 Aug 2002, 10:33 PM
Of course, it is poetry. Since when did poetry have to have a specific definition? No, it does not rhyme, but the line breaks are situated to create a certain rhythm and flow, almost like a panting if you read it aloud. While reading poetry in the future I hope you do not limit the scope of your definition of what poetry "means", because you will not only be sadly disappointed, but also missing out on a great number of good works.
the story is good,but it sounds as if you mean to reach the end of it as quickly as you can.(each sentence has the finality of a finale).I dare suggest you add some lines to your first stanza.something missing.wish you further success.(your angel is exceptional!)7
some deleted user
on some deleted poem
1 Sep 2002, 3:59 AM
God'swife... What seems to be the problem here? Feeling lonely in God's harem? Along with all those mistresses...
You are right anagram, i wasn't happy with squeals of ....myself but wanted to say something about the obsession of wesetrn culture/films/media/tabloids/ with sex. I have edited the sentence to "squeals of faked orgasm" to show how even sex is dtrivialised by this
obsession, but still not happy with it.
Can god's wife suggest something?
Thank you GW for your approval. The poem is a monologue in front of mirror by the woman/old hawk. The conclusion you are right seems premature but it expresses sudden realisation of the woman that she can move on and rebuild her life after a life marred by an experienec of rape. Perhaps the expression is not suitable enough to convey this message to the reader.
STRONG!7
Pfff. what do you mean?
Pretty as a mare in May. 8
A field in winter, fallow and cold. Come the spring you'll burn this field. Hoping for a hand to heal, and dreaming of snow. 8