nentwined
on The United Face of Totally Grody by Shardik
2 Jul 2008, 2:38 AM
ow. I couldn't read it. great job of "what the hell".
made me giggle a little awkwardly, not quite getting the hang of it ;)
ha! thanks for the smile, k
:)
Indeed.
Last lines:
How poignant this would be
if it didn't remind us of hallmark cards and
the sweet nothings; words combined that sound good--
and say nothing. Your poem plays hide and seek.
Hidden is the expression, while the reader seeks
the point of the poem.
How poignant this would be:
If you hadn't tried so hard to be poignant
and miserably failed.
----------------------------------------
Hrmm. I'll refrain from asking the awkward questions this poem brings to my mind.
Blessed with a seven.
The ashes are the heart of all spiritual vitamins. Though this piece has a somewhat befuddled nature? So is the mind of most minds. I likes it. The ending could be made into a seperate and more impactive poem in it's own right.
Blessed with an eight.
Your topic is completely dissassociated from your poem. There is no relation. That aside? Your poem started horribly and ended in the mental gutter of Freuds cigar cellar. Pimple... night... light... if you don't have love, mofo, go get a motherfucking NIGHTLIGHT.
Zero.
PS: This poem should have been titled:
"Touching myself artistically on crack and mexican viagra."
strange. but I still don't know if I want you to go around with your legs open. what happened to good old crawling around with nothing but your arms as motive force?
definitely something many folks have envisioned with glee. the rhymes are blatantly forced (with pseudo-poetic grammatical restructuring and all that goodness) ... good for a quick chuckle?
A dirge for modern life. This guy is nuts. I actually remember the song he's riffing on.
definitely has something (situational plot). If you could inject a little more context and a little less highlander...
Even better on the 2nd read.
good old rhyme 4 something child-like and curried with adult-chill
simply break thru the wall and walk away into freedom, only that love can not be found outside of the flesh...and all we are not is not us to blame
hilarious, but doesn't really do it for me as a poem. goes on a bit much, and while you get kudos on "lugubriously", ... eh. thanks for the cheer anyway :)
I know you weren't going for "quality", but there's room for art in it anyway. Though one man's art is another's bed wetting, sure...
I like that..change without true progress...
the word inevitable jars a little with me, not sure why