Re: A Better God by Dovina	jroday 204.215.33.82	23-Oct-04/3:03 PM
To sum it up "I existed from all eternity and, behold, iam here; and i shall exist till the end of time, for my being has no end.
Re: For Ike by INTRANSIT	horus8 24.130.62.63	23-Oct-04/4:10 PM
Best thing you've ever written.
Re: Bra in a Bar by Dovina	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.67	23-Oct-04/4:16 PM
Love it!!! Does my " trapped in a horseshoe" do justice?
Re: From Then Till Now by Jeremi B. Handrinos	INTRANSIT 64.12.116.67	23-Oct-04/4:17 PM
...and then there were none.
Re: For Ike by INTRANSIT	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.59	23-Oct-04/9:05 PM
Indeed.
Re: From Then Till Now by Jeremi B. Handrinos	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.59	23-Oct-04/9:12 PM
Reminds me of my own reflection beheld before unforgiving eyes... I likes it, loves it, sucks it till achieves limpness. Blessed with ten.
Re: A Better God by Dovina	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.59	23-Oct-04/9:27 PM
A small suggestion: S2, L1: -My creatures shall find everything I've created Just my own tick really. In response to your piece, I say that: Faith sought & praise uttered, inevitably conflict; for gods shape is incomplete, recklessly manifested-- burdened with the weight of confused human expression and mis-calculated interpretation. Amen. Blessed with seven.
regarding some deleted poem...	SupremeDreamer 65.45.152.59	23-Oct-04/9:06 PM
A thesaurus is an effective tool when the poet can differentiate between callow verse that should be refined, and over-extravagant verse seemingly crafted by a braggarts' cryptic pen -(which dances simply to conceal ones own inadequacy at forging a keen blade out of the blunt pillar of language, savage in character and brutally clear, imposing clarity with it's ruthless verbal tempest.) And, well, developing the inner eye to discern the distinction causes a poets pen to wander between those two extremes for awhile before his verse flows with-out stutter 'n superficial encrustation. Heh.. and I have demonstated that fact effectively, chronicled and fully displayed unto ranker-folk nerves and fierce bloodlined eyes... But, I welcome you, Dan garcia-Black, to the coven of poets that wrestle with the curse of verbosity. Flail until you swim or drown. Blessed with seven.
Re: Muslim woman at the office by zodiac	INTRANSIT 205.188.116.74	23-Oct-04/12:40 PM
It's like a flow chart with only 75% of the boxes filled in. I like it but it's a little too bony.
Re: A Better God by Dovina	INTRANSIT 205.188.116.74	23-Oct-04/12:55 PM
You're staggered lines threw me. I was expecting a beat that didn't show. 30 Lashes with a soggy file box, and one hail mary over a bowl of fruity pebbles.
Re: A Better God by Dovina	zodiac 212.118.11.11	24-Oct-04/5:03 AM
And then, because you always make me feel kind of furtively generous, here's some real criticism for your poem. It's more and better than you've done for anyone else here in recent memory. That's the whole fucking point. Check out this hook: 1) "with great beauty and wit" is poorly phrased and an innaccurate description of how you'd set up a world. If "with great beauty and wit" is how you'll be acting while you're setting up the world, then beauty seems kind of out of place. If the world is going to have the qualities "great beauty and wit", even before you've made people in it, then wit is out of place. You might consider changing it. 2) "discover all ... quite pleasing and right" is an innappropriate use of discover. You can't or shouldn't, for example, "discover a dog friendly". You might consider changing it. 3) I don't understand why you're not "leav[ing] about" ancient texts, when you just said you'll "show them... how their world was formed" etc. Aren't those pretty close to the same thing? You might consider changing one of them. 4) What are you on about "self-made diseases"? That's all kind of pleasing and nice, but if you're going to believe in a God, you pretty much have to believe He made diseases, too. Oh, right, you're not going to be that kind of God. Well, you might consider changing it so people don't think you're just taking a super-easy way out. 5) In fact, there's no kind of conflict here, except the half-alluded-to one with the real God, which isn't really enough and isn't fair since God can't answer. Besides, almost everybody in the world besides you and me, practically, thinks God IS exactly like this poem. As it is, this poem is just kind of a daydream and fluff. You might consider doing something about it. 6) The places where the rhythm is off make the rest of it - the rhythmed part - seem kind of jumpy and weird. You'd do better to either loosen up the rhythmy parts or tighten up the non-rhythmy ones. 7) Stanzas 2-4 just repeat the same idea, sometimes contradictorily. The last stanza, particularly, doesn't pack very much of a punch, mostly because it's already been said. You might consider adding some more ideas and condensing these to one stanza. 8) Other than an inconsistent rhythm and the big honking central conceit, there's not really a lot of poetic phrasings or devices (like bits of simile, metaphor, alliterative words, or original ways of describing things.) You should consider adding some of these. 9) By the start of the twentyfirst century, this is all kind of old hat. The only part that makes it not old hat is that most twentieth and twentyfirst century writers have figured, probably rightly, that their worlds would have all sorts of problems, too, while you haven't. 10) If you say this isn't criticism because I haven't added some, I don't know, praise-thingy on the end here, well, sorry, that's not my idea of criticism, and I guess I should have a pretty good idea about it by now, shouldn't I? Well, ta-ta! Yours truly, zodiac in Karak Islamland
Re: Bra in a Bar by Dovina	Dan garcia-Black 66.159.205.26	24-Oct-04/8:30 AM
I've never worn a bra. It sounds wonderful. Both the bar and the bra seem to be located in a good neighborhood.-Upscale-
Re: Market Day in Al-Karak, South Jordan by zodiac	INTRANSIT 205.188.116.74	24-Oct-04/9:38 AM
the blunderbuss line? wtf? The rest is excellent. mock me if you like.
Re: Jealousy's Game by TLRufener	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 81.154.19.210	24-Oct-04/11:27 AM
Clumsy in places, but I thought it was interesting and fairly original. I can't think of many people on this site who'd have the vision to include a tiny, stout, scheming man with a pudgy head in their love poemes, let alone the vision to have him feverishly planning out his revenge on paper. Is he a metaphor for the human condition?
Re: Muslim woman at the office by zodiac	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 81.154.19.210	24-Oct-04/11:36 AM
Got back from Abu Dhabi last week, just after the start of Ramamamamadan. Luckily I'd spent the week leading up to it ordering individual beers from room service (they wouldn't serve more than one a day) and hiding them about my room. When I drank them all during Ramamamadan, and left the empties sprawled all over the place, the cleaners found them and took away my fruit bowl. I have never felt such shame :(
regarding some deleted poem...	sliver 63.190.65.77	24-Oct-04/7:24 PM
Stanza 2 line 3, Eternal bliss, ?? Only if we're lucky--- I mean worthy. Can you say dead? Probably in a more poetic manner. A good message tho'. Are any one of us truly ready? I think my dad was. Heck I know he was. But I'm a long ways away from being that good of a man. Still; I can hope that I inherited it.
Re: For Ike by INTRANSIT	sliver 63.190.65.77	24-Oct-04/7:29 PM
Sometimes the carbon copy smears, and these are the things we are left with. It's funny, man, I was listening to the radio when I read this, and they were playing Ace In The Hole, by George Strait...
Re: Blackthoughtz by blackthoughtz1	-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I. 81.154.19.210	24-Oct-04/12:13 PM
A profoundly silly piece. I have no doubt you are a giant wally. -10-
regarding some deleted poem...	sliver 63.190.65.77	24-Oct-04/7:35 PM
DAMN, Dan Damn. I need say no more.
regarding some deleted poem...	sliver 63.190.65.77	24-Oct-04/7:43 PM
Well, hell! I was going to give you advice. But now?...