I gave in and went to the site...nice touch... :)

You should change the title to Day Tripper...I think you would sell a few records that way.

Bloody hell. you know you've done ok when rockmage gives a 10. thanks (not for the score but for the :)

I've always seen mother/child poems as being sentimental (and that isn't a bad thing). I think you've moved away from the sentimentality and given this a nice deftness of touch which makes it more than just a picture. My view is that it needs something catchy in the sounds to make it stick in the old grey matter, otherwise there's the risk of a reader not giving it the reading it deserves. You've got the amount of description spot on, so it would be a shame for people not to read it as it needs.

Good fun

Intransit's given the comment that you need to be going on with for now. This doesn't deserve a 0 - it's got the basics of metaphor and vivid imagery in here, and that counts for something. What you need to do now is learn to control those things, make them subtle when appropriate, direct when appropriate. A lot of people will tell you that you have to write "from your own experience", but to be honest that's a load of tosh. While you're learning the trade it's just as easy (possibly more so, in fact) to write about something that you haven't had first-hand experience of. You clearly know a few poetic devices (lots of alliteration in here), now you need to work out when to use them. Listen to the sounds and cadence of the words and, more than anything, devour some of the classic poems so you have some good examples of poetry to work with. -8- because I'm nice like that.

Good poeme, although the train comes in maybe a little too abruptly, and "very least" sounds a bit too chunky to end with. Love the idea though.

I like where you're going with this poem. Just a few minor adjustments and this would be good.

Exquisitely homoerotic material Edna. I can just envision the semen dripping down your chin. Hahahaha. Hope you enjoy your romps down there in queerville.

Uh , I mean Poofy Pete. You go girl!

Wow, this is pretty bad. How old are you? Check out my poem ....it's much more sophisticated. It's a true love story with about a lady friend.

This is better than alot of the other shit I've been reading on this site. I think if you work on some of the lines you could improve this quite a bit. I like your honesty and openness.

It looks like this may be an intelligent poem...I can't tell. I'll have to rate and review it at another time so that I can give a fair assessment.

Wow I know I don't write that great, but this is better then mine you say. I just want to know can you get a girl to look at you the same way I have no problem doing.

your last verse is creative and to the point - verse one and two are overworked a little...no need to mention tears too much, we get the crying from the second line...the last verse saves this piece, I really like it.

you started off so well with two verses of 3 lines, and ended with two lines of thankfullness and love. The third verse could be cut to 3 lines also keeping the original rhyme scheme...just a suggestion, you can turn a nice phrase

beautiful - image is so clear I wish I'd seen it. I would love to see a descriptive word in there for the daughter snug/warm in denim jacket, to follow on the caring of the mother as she carries her son..know what I mean?

I think tingle instead of tingling would bring this straight into the momment. I like this.

I'm not sure I understand this one...is it a dream? I am confused a little with the ending, is the protection offered only temporary?

love the vodka reference - brings a reality to the piece