Skamper
on Parasite by Christof
22 Oct 2007, 10:13 PM
having recently been amazed by fog in a tropical environment I connect with this...nice!
if this is a true account of a time in your life - tell of something that has a personal touch, for readers to connect to the melancholy of it all. Otherwise it's just nothing, a blurb on the back of a romance novel...
It's horrible - the indignity of being an old man... hurts huh?
would you actually say "hey young dude"? I can see someone saying hello my dear and hey old mate...It seems to me that the opening line of each verse is directed at the person, followed by your own internal musings about them. Is that right? I like this, really like it but the young dude kinda sticks...
awed
Remembering her makes me thrown...and nigh and ligh
Not sure these should mean?
Oh, snap!
The mirror hints at not loving onesself, love that. Duress- still fels forced after 3 reads.
Gonna chew on this a while.
Polythene and aplologies. But you friggen nailed it!
To Rockmage: You have serious problems! It's not right to just go around and give everyone low scores!
Nice imagery and flow.
Strong imagery and intensity. I would ditch the punctuation allowing the natural flow to place the periods and commas. It is a distractor to me. Enjoyable read.
Entertaining. Nice imagery and flow. I generally do not like rhyming poems since they are often forced. However, the flow in this read was not disrupted. I would drop the period at the end of the poem. S4 was the crusher and stepped the whole piece up a notch!
Ah! Shades of Bukowski. What a wonderful read. This would go well in a darkened room among friends. Snug in the wooly cotton arms of infamy!
And, oh yes. The last two lines are pure Bukowski, so I would not be concerned with whoever this "rockmage" guy is. SOunds like he needs to read more and write less.
This one has potential. I do not understand the caps on "White Storm", "Lovers", "Shatters and "Victim's". I also feel that the this would read better with shorter sentence structure, i.e.
"The lover's remain
separate
as the storm reignsd.
This poem does not need to rhyme and word choice, especially in the last two lines would make this an excellent read. Also, don;t worry about rockmage and his incessant need to be noticed by giving Zeros. No poem deserves a Zero unless it is so esoteric no one can decipher it or the form and structure is so bad that the writer needs serious help.
WOW
Hi forsaken. I would love to see this potentially wonderful piece trimmed to bare bones. There are so many unnecessary words and the meter is not fluid. You are also mixing active and passive voice,
"I think of the day you'll be back in my arms
Keeping you safe from the world's harm"
Just a suggestion here:
Awaiting the day
back in my arms
keeping safe
my love from world's harm"
although I think that needs some work in itself :).
Anyway, use that pain you are obviously feeling, but try to write this again with half as many words and you may be surprised what you find!