INTRANSIT
on some deleted poem
27 Oct 2007, 3:15 PM
This needs a little more, or a little less. Perhaps lose the >Remember.
I like it â especially the first line.
I don't think you really need a 'you' to be an idiot.
Great. Fun to memorize.
"But for the eyes' imperious intent
To see the battered self, and not to weep"
and
"He stared into the eyes he could not rule."
Brilliant staging. Yep, I'm gonna have fun with this one. I'll put you right next to Shelley's Ozymandias, how about that?
If I had enough sense I'd be terrified by this
I love "she speaks cream linen from painted lips." Too many dashes throuout.
It would be nicer if you give reasons to proclamations. I agree though.
I have a problem with the line breaks because I want this to fit a rhythm my tongue can get around without spitting all over my monitor. And with saying that I feel like I've justified the whole concept with which you write...or did I miss something?
last line - pretty good
title spelling reminds me of a band
As a new member to this site this is the best I have read so far. It appears you have a creative flair but please spell check your "aplologies". Also, if this rockmage person gave it a 10 does he not see a couple of technical issues with this poem, since he sets himself up as a critic of some knowledge on poesie? That is if he has REAL knowledge. But I have read a few of his Senryus. Although a few are interesting, I do not see any prodigious SKILL.
This is good. I think the telling "bittersweet" opener can go. "the serpentine swell" - drop "the" I think. Actually, take a look at all the articles in verse 2.
We are not all dunces here, but most have left due to boredom. Welcome.
I hate the 5-7-5 restriction some people place on haiku, which in this case requires an unnecessary "the" in line 2. Otherwise good.
It doesn't really convey a point of sexual nature in Japan so it isn't really poetry of the dark ages when I was a young lad in a dark stormy winter night of July.
This one has potential but the structure and all the unnecessary punctuation is distracting. Try taking out ALL the punctuation. Rather than a comma start a new line and get rid of the CAPS. Also, count you syllables in each line. This is good stuff, make it great!
I, as a member of the FMO, am simply stupified by the sublime accuracy of your poem.
I totally agree.
It needs several reads to do it justice. Loads of punch, and the last line is the knockout blow. Awesome.
No time for a proper commente just yet but I will say this has fired me up to write something today. Cheers!