| Re: do you talk out loud in public? by peaceseeker |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:40 PM |
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I love this poem from the title on, but it's all a jumble. Sometimes it takes years.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:42 PM |
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'...lady parts...' is aces. What's biffed?
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| Re: Thin Blood by Rodavlas |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:43 PM |
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Exactly.
Exactly right.
You deserve to live.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
bwickl11 204.210.50.85 |
15-Jun-04/1:10 AM |
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
15-Jun-04/1:23 AM |
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There once was a browne Kilroy-Silk,
I revealed his secret charm to his ilk,
His face bore a grin,
That cracked his foreskin,
And lactated super-tasty skimmed milk.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Stephen Robins 213.146.148.199 |
15-Jun-04/9:02 AM |
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May I be the first to say "Van Guff"?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Shuushin 147.154.235.51 |
15-Jun-04/10:11 AM |
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cute. Yeah, I think it would be fine without the first 3 lines.
It doesn't need the Usama hook, really.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
Shuushin 147.154.235.51 |
15-Jun-04/10:15 AM |
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Good use of the form. Think it could mean alot of things other that van gogh (even lots of painters) - and that takes away from it a little.
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| Re: Thin Blood by Rodavlas |
Shuushin 147.154.235.51 |
15-Jun-04/10:19 AM |
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take the second half of the second verse and put the rest back into the word-pile.
And the last line could work too - just the idea of it; toasting bodyparts.
could make a memorable song - but not another suicide note.
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| Re: Call Me by hatedestruction |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:19 PM |
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| Re: The Stickmen of Fools by embersandenvelopes |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:21 PM |
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Nice user name, but this poem is sadly magniloquent.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:25 PM |
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Get rid of the first couplet.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
wilco 24.176.102.131 |
14-Jun-04/8:34 PM |
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I'll give you a 1, just for figuring out how to rhyme.
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:28 PM |
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What's pebble dashed?
Dreams sold cheaply.
This is not a Haiku. It might be great as something else. Explore.
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| Re: Windfall by wilco |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:32 PM |
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Lucky you.
This needs work, for example, the slender frame is unnecessary in the first line.
Make it present tense.
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| Re: Windfall by wilco |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:32 PM |
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| Re: A Chance to Say Goodbye by TLRufener |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:33 PM |
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| Re: Conscription by Caducus |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:35 PM |
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Great title, but you fall into the abyss at the 3rd line. It's a nice idea, how is it you always put to much sauce on the biscuits?
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| regarding some deleted poem... |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:36 PM |
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| Re: do you talk out loud in public? by peaceseeker |
god'swife 4.232.69.69 |
14-Jun-04/8:39 PM |
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Terrific insight. You need to narrow this universe down. Take it easy. This could be a great great poem. Slow it down a bit. Do some research, study words.
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