Sasha
on Call upon the wrath of god on ye by Imago
31 Oct 2004, 7:02 AM
I most strongly disagree with all of you.
"Call upon the wrath of god on ye" Is an excellent bit of mockery of those who have no idea how to sound archaic but try to anyway. "scurge" is a nicely subtle way of shortening the line to the author's specifications in the manner of the great Robert Duncan. The pun on "may be" in the fourth to last line is an example of supreme wit matched only by the uncapitalized god, a most original way of indicating the author's displeasure with religion.
In short, there are few poems better crafted than this.
Thus this poem most certainly merits a score of.....
HAHAH
Gotcha there. Just kidding.
"Call upon the wrath of god on ye" just sounds like an illiterate wanker trying to sound biblical
"scurge" should be scourge
"it maybe" should be "it may be"
Now, since you posted a "correction" I would assume that you would at least fix those utterly guffy fuckups if not delete the whole dribbling amorphous, artless and musicless pseudopoem. However, since you did not, I can only assume that your edit was to get your poem up to the top of the list again and erase the 7 and the 8 you'd gotten (which were really generous)
Before you wonder about it, yes I really do mean it. Please, try again. On second thought, don't!
-10 of shame-
Then we are back to where we started. By 'no blooms we see from those deflowered' what you mean is that those who lose there innocence never show the same vitality again. That is as specific as the metaphor allows. Therefore you are saying that all non-virgins have no vitality. The metaphor also implies that the a 'deflowered' flower will never bloom again. This is incorrect. This is an example of the problem with the poem. Metaphors must be tight, they must track, this one is literally redundant (the way you mean it) and open to misinterpretation (the way the reader reads it).
What I am saying is no different from what any other member of a poetry site will say. The use of excessively archaic language when the poem works without is a no-no. Metaphors that are open to misinterpretation are not good metaphors. Also when I said published, I meant a piece that a respectable publisher would put in their magazine. 'Whilst the bells ring' has a good last verse but the title alone would be enough to get an editor to throw the poem in the bin.
cum puellis :(
I think it is ace that an angel's lack of genitalia can define its masculinity. Well done. But how do you sing.
Dovina you know this poem can work both ways. instead of his it could be her, and what i mean by that is my first wife reminds me of this poem. I tried so hard to make our marriage work, but I just kept on catching her in lies. she would say I'm going one place and end up in another.We had three children, she did'nt give a damn. all she wanted to do was hit the streets with her boyfriend. I still loved her no matter what she did, because i had hope that she would stop, and we could raise our family, but it did'nt happen. i divorce her.I was young and dumb but as time
went on I became him in this poem because i said to myself i wont
be hurt by no one no more, but my illness change all of that, and
i remember what my grandfather use to tell me. all men have faults. small men are blind to thier own, and therefore remain small.
There's nothing like the beauty of memories. I imagine this place
was beautiful. out in the country, and going back brought back memories, and you became depressed. you thought about the good and the bad times. sometimes going back home gives you peace of mine and motivation. because memories or like true love, it's
always in your heart.
It's not archaic, but it's the province of dims-only.
P.S. zodiac, I just noticed that you addressed this point in a post below. I would add that given that the first line (+ title) of this poeme are nonsense, and that there doesn't seem to be a particularly nice fix that would fit with the rest of the poeme, the best solution is to scrap the whole thing. It's garbled Beyond Thunderdome anyway :(
> All you have to do, you fucking clod, is "Call the wrath of God upon ye/thee/you/whateverthefuck."
The thing is that it's a command, so it still sounds dodge if you say "Call the wrath of God upon thee". Commands are in the 2nd person. Because thee means you, you're commanding someone to call the wrath of God upon themselves! Is that really what he means? He should get rid of the you/thee/ye altogether, and put:
"Call the wrath of God to fall upon those who see fit to..."
Please... listen very carefully:
Take a look at your example, "called on our friends to help". Do you see anything there even halfway grammatically similar to the line in your poem, "Call upon the wrath of god on ye", other than the phrase "call upon"? There isn't anything. Your friends are people; wrath is a thing. To make your comment example even slightly correspond to your poem, you'd have to say, "Call upon the help of our friends on us." That, of course, is gobble.
On the other hand, to make the poem line similar to your comment, you'd have to say "called upon God to bring his wrath upon ye." This is just fine. THAT'S HALF OF THE FUCKING POINT.
But it still doesn't take care of -=Dark_Angel=-,P.I.'s point that you don't know who's calling or where God is. If you're telling the abuser, or whatever, to call the wrath of God upon themselves - well, that doesn't make sense, does it? All they'd have to do is pretend they didn't hear or understand you, and there'd be no wrath, would there?
Or maybe you meant, "[I] call the wrath of God upon ye". Then why didn't you just say so? Oh, because it sounded deeper this way. Well, I hope you see what kind of mess that's gotten you in.
But I bet you just didn't know what the fuck you were saying. You thought, in some dim highschool English lit fashion, that the way you get wrath to fall on someone is to tell it, the wrath, "Call upon the wrath of God etc. etc." It's as if I called you on the phone (which I wouldn't) and said to you, "Find yourself and tell you to come over for videogames and cornchips." Am I right? Sheesh! Even the Jameses weren't that dim.
definition for Call on or Call upon:
To order or request to undertake a particular activity: called on our friends to help.
Ace call again, you dim! The word "whilst" isn't archaic in England - where richa lives!!!@!1!@!
"to state these arguments with little if nothing to back them up seems somewhat arrogant."
No, you idiot! That wouldn't make it any better! For one thing, "May God have shame on you," is not at all what the expression "shame on you" means, so, Great work! God doesn't get ashamed, since he makes all rules regarding shame and normalcy anyways, and, as any schoolchild knows, spends most of his time Gloriously Nude. God BRINGS shame upon people. Excellent use of the language, man!!!!!
For another thing, "may god have shame on you" isn't the same kind of phrase as "Call upon the wrath of god on ye" is. In order to be structured the same way, it would have to be, "Call upon the shame of God on ye," which doesn't make any more sense than your original.
For another thing, you've totally missed the point! All you have to do, you fucking clod, is "Call the wrath of God upon ye/thee/you/whateverthefuck." That's how you do it. And here's an interesting sideline: The Bible wasn't written in King James English, you fucking moron!!!!! It was just re-written in King James for people using it during King James's time, and after awhile everyone thought it made them sound kind of cool and powerful, when really it just made them all sound like dolts and hopeless anachronisms. In short: forget all this Biblical reference gobble; you just thought it made you sound intelligent and poetic. I hope you're feeling horribly horribly wrong about that now.
I admit I don't know the complete solution. Only god does. Truth though is definitely a step in the right direction. It is disappointing that there is no pill you can take to make it go away but sometimes you have to put it in god's hands and just admit the truth. People can be fucked up. The acceptance of that fact allows you to step above it if you are strong willed enough to do so. It ain't easy. Niether is the truth. Also by letting others know about what happened to you and by who. Can protect you and others from further harm.
Written in the other way is blasphemous.
the punctiation is kind of annoying and breaks the poem up in a weird way
Here's a poem for example. "Whilst the bells ring" By Richa.
The archaic line is a reflection of the bible. Meaning you should think of the line in biblical terms.
I will admit the "no blooms" line is redundant at some level but so is "Dead men tell no tales." That doesn't mean it doesn't have a secondary more poetically implied meaning.(Kill the snitch). I do believe you're all quite smart but to state these arguments with little if nothing to back them up seems somewhat arrogant.