Dovina
replying on Edges by Blue Magpie
6 Sep 2004, 9:02 AM
It's a matter of preference, more than of quality. Follow through is taking an idea along with a poem as the poem progresses and working the idea into something else or something better or even something wrong. Take Dan Garcia-Black’s recent posting, for example. It lacks the rhythm and prose of yours, but it follows through.
The meaning-prose trade-off is difficult. If we are too vague in image and metaphor, meaning is lost to readers who don’t get it; if too direct, we are accused of simplistic babble. This poem is close to a good balance, but too far to the prose side for my preference.
It’s a good poem.
But why do you bring spirituality into it all? It nearly always just confuses things. If you really do agree with me, then you will be of the opinion that human behaviour can be accounted for without reference to mysterious 'spiritual forces'.
How is this an acrostic? What do the first two lines mean? How does Snow White pale in one mirror more than in any mirror?
The last verse is nice.
“she” in the last line is ambiguous. It could mean either the daughter or the mother. If it means the daughter than the line is trite. If it means the mother than the daughter knows the mother knows. “creep into the uterus” doesn’t quite work with the next line: “And talk about love, and cry.” I often give an 8 or below when I don’t understand a poem. This one deserves a 2.
Dear NLD,
It is very nice to see something positive being said. As a poem however this lacks that something extra in language usage to really raise it above prose. Also things like we were standing.... when suddenly you appeared, as there are really only the two of you in this story one is left wondering who the first we applies to if 'you' were not there, or how you could have been there and then appeared. All told I think you have a core here but you need to work on it some. Cut, prune and shape it a bit.
Sliver,
Thanks for stopping by, and for enjoying thepoem, it is not finished, I am working on another stanza now relating to belief.
Dear Dovina,
Thank you for your kind words. However the criticism is a bit vague, could you possibly tell me exactly where you think I have sacrificed meaning for prose. The same goes for the comment on follow-through for rhythm, but I also have difficulty knowing what you mean by follow-through, previous to this I have only heard the term used in sports training, tennis etc.
Is this about Daniel, who went into the lion's cage but lived?
ummmmm
potential is the word.
yea, poets really do find beauty in the smallest things
Hey, how long did you have to ponder this matter in the FACULTY DINING ROOM before reaching this stage of enlightenment? PS-"Iraqians" is fucking hilarious.
It seems hand in hand we fall through our hopes and fears. This gave me shivers
Further more you have not really said anything new, which means you have to say it in a memorable way to make your effort worth while, communication and especially poetry is not just ideas in words, but ideas/feelings in words that are well used, shaped and polished like a gem until they shine.
I also think a better title, or more clarification in the poem would be in order.
Fishy.
Yea, umm, no. kinda lost it somewhere around the third stanza, or was it the first?