sanity
replying on Your sad goodbye by sanity
4 Jul 2004, 8:48 AM
there is a name for it, I created it myself and named it seicinque, thi8s is a multiple seicinque, the basis is
line 1 6 syllables
lines2,3,4. 5 syllables
you can have one stanza or multiples of and the rhyming scheme is aBCb dBCb eBCb and so on, try it, it's quite challenging and you can use any subjest matter with it........
Dovina
on Chaos & his dreamchild (genesis) --Revised Edition-- by SupremeDreamer
4 Jul 2004, 8:45 AM
I like it because it provokes thinking about the possible "illusion of order and substance."
Try leaving out "then" in the last verse.
Dovina
replying on Chaos & his dreamchild (genesis) --Revised Edition-- by SupremeDreamer
4 Jul 2004, 8:37 AM
Then why did you give it a 1?
Zodiac....My, my, we are getting testy. Not unusual plus the
personal name calling by someone whose arguments are mostly
bogus and self-rightious.
I bet you would like me to "walk off a cliff." Then you could
peddle your comments and opinions with no one to dispute them.
I will try once again to explain reality but I doubt you are
capable of understanding anything beyond your own personal bias.
We can no longer view the world or universe as being separate
from ourselves. Humans are part of an intrinsically dynamic
universe that is in constant flow and change and reality must
be, according to quantum mechanics, one which recognises the
basic unity or oneness of all things. The reality is that
nothing exists in isolation and our perception of a world
"out there" is bogus. Still, a perceived reality is still
valid in the mind of the observer who is still bogged down
in a "Newtonian", classic concept of the world. In modern
physics, mass is no longer associated with a material
substance and particles are actually bundles of energy. So
from a quantum view, I can dismiss your arguments regarding
reality and take comfort in knowing that you actually believe
reality exists in your dualistic mind-set. So chill out, turkey.
Things are not as they seem and your arguments concerning
reality are merely illusionary nonsense.
And regarding the Ebert analogy, I only said I liked him as a
movie critic. You are the one who turned this into an analogy,
though a very weak one. Have a nice day, dipshit.
Sane, yes. Interesting, sorta.
I like the repeated line "Clouds above forming" with its shades of meaning, and rhyming lines 2 and 4. There must be a name for this.
"Echoes as we part" or "Your sad goodbyes to me"
I love this. "War" doesn't seem right though for kites praying of fireflies. The fireflies can only try to dart away. Then as "letters" of birds reel above, it seems some connection with the first line is needed. Like "razed haze of high English summer"
Hold up .. that's all you gotta say?
Kanasai ..
yeah so do I. I like yours.
So get glasses. Cheers for the 10 mate.
Cute enough nice sounds, the last two lines of each verse are a nice innovation.
Like this too, the incense bit was confusing yes. And 'The almost-steel night thieves gold.' I can see where you are going but as a single sentence is difficult to grasp. But yes did I say I like it.
Loved things like ": a knife", but please uncensor the beeps, as it were, it's like being at a clown party to be punctuated like this.
I appreciated all of that. Note to self, stop going schizo on singular words and trying to accessorise them with asterisks in the middle of a perfectly good poem.
I really like this, it tells of someone who is stuck maybe in a dead end job and just ants to be free........
Wobderful............
It is very beautiful.
PS-Speaking purely scientifically and honestly no offense intended, would you mind very much walking off a cliff?
What I mean is, do you believe that the concept of 'gravity', which forms part of the basis for most people's notions of 'reality', is really real and can be applied in a predictable fashion to almost anything; or would you say it's "that which we are taught with little or no original thought" and a "self-serving 'truth'" which is "unique" and "varies with each individual"?
Oh dear. Are you about to pop? Have you, in fact, already popped.
Now dig this beat, homeslyce: The Ebert analogy is yours, not mine, from your comment of 2-Jul-04/8:35 PM. And it's a buggyload of crap, for the reasons I've given you twice already.
Other than that, you've simply repeated for the tenth time that "reality is personal, variable, and unique" like some fucking mantra, while not even bothering to consider my points and otherwise blundering all over this site with the (frankly absurd) suggestion that I am somehow being closed-minded while you're not. Get over yourself, cowboy. Yes, conceptions of reality are changing practically daily, but this business about pioneers "challenging mundane and fixed realities" is a mountain of guff and you know it. Pioneers don't create new, say, territories, you dimwit, or principles, or anything else. They just find ones that are ALREADY THERE. Anybody knows that. Sometimes they're wrong, and most of the time what they discover is incomplete or subject to later questioning and revision. Anybody knows that! That's why no one bothers talking about 'reality' with any sort of preachy pulpity certainty but inveterate guffers and poets.
I've read this several ties and I've grown quite fond of it. wonderful alliteration, meter, assonance- inventive. some small things bother me;
Do yo mean the church itself is unmoveable or the incense within? That's a tough metaphor, you should play around with it more. it breaks up the rythm of the line. You've got a nice beat on at the beginning with the assonance of 'refuses to move' and then....
that long A in 'claimed', my ear doesn't like it.
'...a high English... ' sounds more consistent to the meter throughout the poem.
keep magic simply magic, attach it to the end of the 8th line, you take away it's power when you do funny things to it.
the last couplet should start with the word 'Scattering' drop 'in the'.
Terrfic composition.
I think perhaps having wrapped up your point under the stout umbrella of science wasn't exactly the best choice you could have made... science being a beast of logical order and strict substantiation leaves little room for a poet to roam creatively.. etc, etc.
Did you ever consider taking the philosophical/metaphysical approach? Which goes hand in hand with poetry much more gracefully than science, in my opinion. (and no, I don't mean to belittle science in any way shape or form-- so all you cursed magus' of strict order & verification can refrain from swarming in packs 'pon my back..)
Also, the way you worded it made it obviouse that you were in the throes of seduction.. and the thing you have with stardust does seem like your modern "new-age occult hippie-ism."
I liked the core idea of the poem despite all that, though my understanding of it could be my deluded twisting at work... I suggest going about it again in a less romanticised fashion and try to be more organic & I dare say aesthetic to effectively express your apparent solipsism.