Dovina
on Tattooed by DR Limerick
24 Jun 2004, 3:59 PM
Comma after day. Funny, sort of.
I love the immediacy of great moments, the throwing off of caution. But I think you have dwelt on it too long in this poem. Brevity seems in order, especially for this topic. Good thoughts.
This reminds me of the age-old question: Why are all poets attracted to shmucks?
Awsome poem! You are a very creative writer. Nice on the playing of words
It is a great start for something bigger and better.
How do you know what I do for a living? Strange,but my bodyguards
are sheep lickers and I'm paid with dirty bums.
Not so lucrative though.
Why do so many women put up with this fucking bullshit?
Because of a million and one reasons. Iknow you love this person. I know there's something to love in evryone, but he's killing you, piece by piece. Love yourself, sweety, love yourself. Where ever you are there are groups of people waiting to help you. just ask, church, school, clinic. It's not your job to save him, save yourself. Treat yourself the way you would treat your own child.
Not that am bothered by it, but I think all the profanity takes away from it.
Thanks, that actually means a lot coming from you.
Peripheral can be used as a noun, though its generally more so in computer science. a peripheral is some sort of auxillary device like a modem or a printer (Thanks dictionary.com). So, thats the angle that I was using.
The rest of your suggestions are correct and duly noted. Glad you liked it.
This has some good lines and a nice flow (except for the first paragraph, which I would scratch) but I wonder what the point is. Am I missing something?
Interesting story. Could use some puncuation.
I was never fighting with you.
I enjoyed this poem. It's entertaining, funny and sweet. you've structured it perfectly. 10.
Now, a few things you might find helpful
I.
you don't need 'for' in L2.
In the last line 'this' should be 'it'(you are referring to 'a life not much more than ordinary, right?)
II.
'old' should be changed to an adj. which provides a richer image for the couch. You already state 'none of the beauty of youth' 'old' is redundant. Try broken, or something along those lines. If it's a real couch, then use an adj. that fits the couch.
III.
Can 'peripheral' be used as a noun? If not than you can remove the 'a' in front of it and Presto! it's an adj. once more.
IV.
Perfect in every way.
Thanks for writing it, I truly enjoyed it.
Destiny and fate change nothing! Get real. Look at life squarely and stop making excuses. Don't stop writing poetry though.
Dump the bum!!!!
You have no choice. Go for it. Just be careful.
Then I am the most hopeless person alive.
honestly now, have some self-respect
i agree with the points you laid out but maybe you can improve on your spelling? the structure wasn't there as well... so...