Shuushin
replying on Where Have All the Punk Rockers Gone? by wilco
4 May 2004, 7:07 PM
talk about writing a song... christ.
Don Henley is - one of the best.
I like Don Henley and Tom Waits
I see now "you were" should've been "there were" - a beginner's mistake. But then I couldn't have rhymed "you" below.
Pixies. nice.
Actually music in general is festering on the vine. Well, not really, but if you turn on the radio, you think it is. Here's hoping that Creed make a new album soon!
Now just imagine if Catullus had said silly things like that. You'd be translating Catullus's translations of, I don't know, Sumerian or caveman or something right now, instead of translating Catullus's original poems. Of course, I wish sometimes Pound had stuck with translation, but that's another matter.
Hey, here's one from my archives - what do you think? It's Sor Juana Inés de la Cruz:
If one were to consider the risks of the sea
No one would ever embark; if one were to see
The dangers beforehand, he would never dare
Provoke the valiant bull; if one took care
To consider the bolting horseâs fury, no
Wise horseman, however sober was his hand
Would ever face him, to make him slow or stand.
But if you were that one so daring, though
You knew the peril, like old Apollo you
Would want to guide that horse with your tight-gloved
Hand, the speeding chariot washed in a haze
Of azure sunlight, all that you could do, do,
And not consider all of this youâve loved,
That this is how it should be all your days.
Heheh. I guess I lost the memo with the link (okay, its a swan now).
It rings like a haiku, and maybe could be a haiku of many verses. Just a thought.
Don't be silly. Anyone can do one, as you'd know if you'd actually read your memos, instead of just making sailor hats out of them and ludicrously insisting that we all call you "Admiral."
MEDIOCRITY CODE: 8074D421
-11-
Untitled 5 by francis nor capule beats the shit out of it though. See for yourself:
MEDIOCRITY CODE: 1DF4B4B1
-17-
Title verb could give you a bit more use prolly.
"windy" twice in the first?
I'm going to go off on that first stanza some more, no abuse intended. Do you really need to *tell* me it's windy? I mean "hats rolling [down] the sidewalk" do that for you, right? Pretty much - "down" is weak to that end though, but easily replaced with maybe a simile. Can you do something with "Hats" - make it more real, less "movie-like"?
Figure all that out and apply to the other stanzas and it will help you with this pattern of saying "here is an event", then proceeding to describe the event; "They were yelling/words were loudly played about" kindof thing. The idea is to not need that first [telling] bit.
Btw, I didn't spend all these words because I think this sucks, in fact it has a refined feel, especially toward the end - but there is some noise making it difficult to appreciate fully.
I don't know the punk rock scene, guess why, but I like the "inverted Darwinian orgy of sound" description of it. If it's festering on the vines, good ridance.
See why I do translations more than original poems?
"Any of various plants of the genus Impatiens, which includes the jewelweed."
-Or-
"A name formerly applied to several varieties of ulcerous cutaneous diseases, but now restricted to Lupus exedens, an ulcerative affection of the nose."
(would be nice to have seen some dual usage of the word, but it is a minor player in the piece)
The last line's not awful - you should just put a comma after yet instead of the Victorian exclamatory and run it into the the refrain. Congratulations, I find it sings swimmingly.
"inverted Darwinian orgy of sound" wow.
De-evolution? Good with punk; well said.
As for the rest, I wish you could make it flow a little smoother without creating a dichotomy between the punk rock sound and, well - smooth flow.
-=D_A=-, may we get a score please?
I'll echo that its a good story, [surprisingly] not often told.
AABB rhyme scheme kicks the crap out of it though.
*Very* nice, really well suited to the form -
Added to my faves.
impatiens?