some deleted user
replying on Summer Festival by wilco
20 Apr 2004, 7:14 PM
1) They are high, but not that high, even allowing poetic exaggeration.
2) It they were too costly, nobody would buy.
Well:
1) Rising high and filling the horizon - Those stages are huge.
2) a drink too costly... - Liquid goods (i.e. - water and beer) are very expensive at these large outdoor festivals.
3) flail and wail.....that is better...
Why don't you lose a few words and make it a haiku?
A few lines bother me:
Rising high and filling the horizon. (How do you mean?)
a drink too costly to touch ???
flail about and wail -> flail and wail
I would make (WARNING!) warning.
Some good thoughts here, but a bit disjointed.
Like why not "Who is king in selfish selves?" or is that too simple; I don't think so.
The part about know and now is good.
"The" is vague in an uninteresting way.
- "...we sometimes have rallies at Lou's or Pasquale's"
hahaha i like that one
Yep...thats lonely...
- "...we row in Norse galleys, see concerts and rallies"
- "...we have big finales at concerts and rallies"
- "...we sometimes have rallies at Lou's or Pasquale's"
- "...the keynote speaker at our rally's Dick Vitale"
- "...everyone shilly-shallies at the aforementioned rallies"
Or you could just capitalize Bally's, use a different word than "attend", and tell everyone who doesn't get it to fuck off.
see, now THAT rhymes!
heheh
let me try this, then: "oh, how could I have been so stupid."
It's "art".
sorry, forgot to explain something- i do not actually believe that the poem deserves a zero; i would give it a 7 or 8, not really sure which, but you get the idea.
kind of lame that someone (?) had to go to a bunch of computers at a computer station and "anonymously" vote 10 (check the IP addresses, they're all sharing a port). i feel obligated to give a zero as a balancing force.
As a one-semester philosophy major, I declare all philosophy majors to be gays except Ludwig Wittgenstein.
zodiac
replying on Dear M Foucault, or, How I knew our relationship was doomed by zodiac
20 Apr 2004, 4:28 PM
1) Zoetrope is not a poetry publication.
2) Agents do not frequent anything, least of all online workshops.
3) Many of us are already published; you are not.
4) as an adverb, it's "too"; as a preposition, "to". We don't have to be sophisticated to know that.
5) This is a recent comment from the "mature,talented and classy" online poetry workshop, allpoetry.com: "This poem is a great start. I love the last two lines especially [All the time I spend thinking, Is the biggest waste of all.] I certainly know how that feels, spending so much time worrying and thinking it takes a while to realize NOT worrying and thinking so much would have been a lot less stressful and a lot more productive... I share your pain! Anyways the only criticism I have for this piece is: Maybe you could try experimenting with NOT ending almost all the lines in prepositions. Prepositions make things choppier and almost sound like you ended in the middle of an idea without ever getting to the punchline. Anyways, keep writing! I'll be back!"
6) Such comments are crap to the nth degree.
7) You are a nincompoop. Did you see my response to your comment on this page? Do you understand it?
When I filled the salt shaker with glue,
She beat me, beat me with her shoe.
Thanks very much, Philosophy Major. I'm the author of the poem, and I'm grateful for someone who seems to have understood what I wrote.
some deleted user
replying on Dear M Foucault, or, How I knew our relationship was doomed by zodiac
20 Apr 2004, 2:53 PM
you are correct. Not ALL the residents here, just a little clique of mean spirited dolts, who think they are soooo talented. They get off on reviewing others work by putting them down. I had quit coming on this childish site exactly for that reason, and somehow got an email, came back on, and rememered why I quit it. You guys would NEVER cut it on Zoetrope, it is to sophisticated for some of you. People are real, mature,talented and classy. PS Did you know that Agents freqent workshop sites to find some new talent and they would never sign or be interested in people who are so mean and tacky, and not all that talented.