Re: a comment on 1945 by nypoet22	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	22-May-07/4:50 AM
the image in my mind was someone dying of disease or malnutrition, with a relative or friend watching her die and feeling sorry for himself. if it were yours to write, how would you put that across differently?
Re: The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	22-May-07/4:41 AM
pleasant. i like the starting tone, almost a storytelling type of voice. but as the image develops the tone gets much more formal. the two stanzas that start with 'rebuke arose' switch from present tense to past, as well as from concrete imagery to abstract. they interrupt the story's flow more than they add.
Re: The Happy Side of Misery by Dovina	some deleted user 64.140.229.138	21-May-07/4:38 PM
Great imagery, great rhythm, great read. It deserves a 10 to cancel out that pesky 0.
Re: a comment on My Soul Cries Out by amanda_dcosta	some deleted user 64.140.229.138	21-May-07/4:29 PM
I agree with Al--and your honest emotions have been sorely missed around here for too long.
Re: a comment on Bookshop girls by Stephen Robins	Stephen Robins 90.201.195.163	21-May-07/1:02 PM
Yes I think the second half of this poem is really soooooooo much more gratuitous isn't it?
Re: A Future by forsaken	Dovina 216.77.71.149	21-May-07/12:53 PM
Check the spelling and get rid of the duplications.
Re: The Ascent by somemorepoetry	Dovina 216.77.71.149	21-May-07/12:51 PM
I hope this is about a real mountain experience. It sounds like it is, but you hedge too much. Bring it closer to what ordinary people understand, and give up some of the weird language. Sounds like a good story.
Re: Altitude by half.italian	daniella 201.212.77.26	20-May-07/9:26 PM
i'm sorry, it's just not well written.
Re: Grab Out For J. Christ! by Sing4Jesus!	daniella 201.212.77.26	20-May-07/9:19 PM
There are some misconceptions here, that make the zealous hodge podge verses sting even more. God did not make our lives to be worthless. His enemies may have killed Jesus, but according to the New Testament, this was part of God's plan... How else could he have fulfilled the passion? And lastly, because I want to go to sleep, you actually think we could actually hurt the greatest grandest architect...You think it matters if we believe or not?? Only to our own faith... God exists regardless of us, and He or She or whatever our creator is, does not need our votes.
Re: broken bottles by richa	daniella 201.212.77.26	20-May-07/8:33 PM
it's a barren landscape. i love: brimming with storm but no rejoicing. it makes no sense, but sings.
Re: 311006 txt to russia by daniella	daniella 201.212.77.26	20-May-07/8:22 PM
i would edit it, but then lose all ur comments... so it stays as is. but thanx for the feedback!
Re: 1945 by nypoet22	Skamper 202.6.130.239	20-May-07/6:37 PM
Is she being executed?
Re: a comment on Yeah by Skamper	Skamper 202.6.130.239	20-May-07/6:33 PM
who owns god...not me - I don't even keep a dog
Re: Worn Ruse by drnick	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	20-May-07/12:01 PM
the middle stanza is completely unnecessary. remove it and this piece will be much stronger.
Re: The Editor by Dovina	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	20-May-07/11:58 AM
this is very prosey. I feel like the first four lines are not really necessary at all, and the last four don't connect very well with the imagery in-between. That said, the middle 8 lines are very nice.
Re: Final Moon by Caducus	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	20-May-07/11:51 AM
i like.
Re: Snow by MacFrantic	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	20-May-07/11:50 AM
the first two stanzas i like. the word loneliness stands out a bit as telling, not showing, in an otherwise pretty good third stanza. the last three lines really aren't necessary, and the poem would be much better were they omitted.
Re: Portrait of the artist as [insert adjective] by Nicholas Jones	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	20-May-07/11:46 AM
good idea but this could be a lot more concise.
Re: Bookshop girls by Stephen Robins	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	20-May-07/11:43 AM
the first half is funny. the second half is just gratuitous, doesn't really add anything.
Re: Yeah by Skamper	nypoet22 74.225.66.5	20-May-07/11:40 AM
who owns God? interesting work, though your syllabic form is off. if the 5-7-5 were intact this would be senryu.