zodiac
replying on Holding on for Jesus by Everyone
19 Feb 2004, 3:34 PM
Ha ha, you dope.
To be honest I don't believe in Jesus, and I have 666 on my neck. I give you 9, becuase it's good and it's possible that there's a Jesus. If I did believe a 10 would have fit, but sadly I don't believe in something I don't understand.
I would go with DA's suggestion, but add the word "Whale" before 'eyes'. Because, I for one, am tired of seeing when the whales cannot. Oh, and I'd capitalize Bush to add historical oomph.
Now time for a sensless plug CD Baby.com is having a sale on Horus8's two records, yay, (farts for emphasis) yippy, kids go finger bang yourself one today!
I feel this could be improved by substituting the final line for one ending in 'eyes'.
Basically, it refers to telling the rest of the world to fuck off...when they didn't want to go to war....
I have been told that I bear an uncanny resemblance to Charlie from Busted and may I state unequivocally that you are a cunt.
I think the last verse is okay, but it shouldn't be the last. Switch it with the third.
No inher forest sounds too naff.
Quite cute. The last verse goes backwards though. I thought trouble was brewing. Then you tell us you are going to cut off ties - doesn't really follow.
OK here is an alternative ending, drop off the last stanza in the above and read
Climbing up a rocky stair to a hill top dry and bare,
in the misty morningâs music rested he a moment rare,
and in sleeping quietly muttered; âWhat is there in life thatâs fair?â
Dreaming deeply âtil a seer with a light both pure and clear,
showed him beauty boldly beating in the loves he held most dear,
knew he then how life was fair, how darkness only was his fear
and with life lightly returning shed in joy a perfect tear.
Also I think I'll change the title "Inner Forest"
Yes I had a big arguement with myself about the ending, and eventually I somehow convinced myself I was writing about Poe and that he never found the answers he was looking for so I let it cycle, but I may change it yet. I would be interested in other peoples opinions.
Note also seer should be sear, and there should be no semicolon in S5
U r sure a threat to Procter & gamble!
I was really hoping this would go someplace other than back to the beginning.
It shows some promise - I suggest you try and wrap it up somehow.
As it sits, its a seven in my mind, tops. could easily be more.
it is uplifting.
I like the thinking behind this.
I wash my hair at the Spring of Urine too.
-=Dark_Angel=-, P.I.
replying on Freud suggested that I commit murder. by DreamerSupreme
18 Feb 2004, 3:51 PM
There was no malfunction in that comment. It contains a recursive definition of all SupremeDreamer poemes.
That is a terrible thing to say. How dare you write about loving the truth whilst simultaneously soiling us in the balms of such a lie? Your claim that the Golden Tablets never existed is laughable, since The Book of Mormon, having been transcribed from said tablets, is irrefutable proof of their existence. You leave me no choice but to give your poeme a -0-
POEMERANKER ALERT: USER HAS RHYMED 'love' WITH 'above'. ABORT ABORT ABO..... gggggfffpppt* -10-
A little repetitive in the message.