clumseYdaiseY
replying on i'm falling for u damnit! by clumseYdaiseY
27 Jan 2004, 1:14 AM
bum?
Thank you.It took me a pail of sweat to hef the guts.A big appreciation! :)
Either do I, you want to maybe stick it in the microwave and see what it does?
zodiac
on So Much**coment this sucks. I want to make it better by Freethinker1602
26 Jan 2004, 10:33 PM
Once again, I'm the punctuation and line-break hound. I don't relish this.
I don't get 'used to bed miss'.
zodiac
on So Much**coment this sucks. I want to make it better by Freethinker1602
26 Jan 2004, 10:28 PM
Okay, I appreciate the situation you're in. Let me try to give you a suggestion without freaking you out. I get the feeling you're trying to write poetry that sounds like poetry. Do you understand what I'm saying? You might feel like it won't be poetry unless it's... well, poetic. Unless it uses a kind of diction and phrasing that is like what you imagine is in other poetry. This is bad. I'm not saying you should write stuff that looks like mine (which is really mostly bad prose with some clever slant rhymes,) but you should approach poetry writing with the idea that if you've ever ever EVER EVER EVER EVER heard a phrase used before, then you should never ever use it. Understand? Poetry is the truest form for expressing things originally, and the thing that kills it (see crystal swift and others here) is when your reader thinks you're not being original. Other people here will say it's a bad idea to read other poetry. I say go ahead, so you'll get an idea of what NOT to say - what's already been said. If you don't know what I'm talking about, start with your first line. Have you ever heard someone say that before? Yes, of course. So think of a new way to say it. And go on from there, line by line.
Step two: line breaks (ie, where you hit ENTER) in poetry aren't just for the end of phrases (which is what you have here.) Okay, they can be. But they're not usually. Change it up so some of your thoughts end in the middle of lines, so some thoughts are broken into little parts, each of which (as you get better) has a chance for having its own meaning.
Step three: PUNCTUATE. To most readers a line break isn't going to mean a period. In idea of enjambment means that it's traditional now to read through a break onto the next line (ie, 'take you from me my heart was made, etc.) Put in periods, commas, like you're writing prose. And say 'because' instead of 'cuz'.
Is that enough for a start?
wow it worked
Thank you it's good to be back and nice to see everyone is still here. I've been watching Oprah. She taught me something too. Being a powerful Woman means a whole boatload of hard work and sacrifice. But what kind of an idiot would I be to go through all of that? So I decided to go back to writing poetry.
good job. I can empathize.
nice "FU"
one note, "Its" instead of "It's"
i don't think you need "(the anti-moth)"
it doesn't fit well with the rest of the poem
and i think most people can figure out what you mean anyway
the metaphor is very consistent and you pull it off well
made me crack a smile I must admit
How can I be so misunderstood?
Is it so terrible, unthinkable even, to post a poem with the only intent being to share it? Thatâs not to say that I donât want or appreciate the critiquing, I do. And admittedly I do get off on watching others chew it up and spit it out or savor its juicy center. It is not that I feel I stand alone as you wrote. Itâs that I feel the poem can stand alone or crash and burn depending on the reader. I simply cannot agree that a poet or artist is obligated to make his or her work understood. Is it not enough to paint for the sake of painting? Allowing the meaning to unfold spontaneously and in the end subjectively? Think of Pollock madly lashing at his canvas, painting so fast that there is little time for forethought. Perhaps to some his finished canvas brought order out of chaos and itâs meaning becomes clear. To others it is nothing more than a canvas covered in haphazardly splattered paint. The beauty is lost or found depending on the perception of the beholder. Regardless of itâs intentional presupposed meaning (or none there of). Am I still completely unable to properly describe what this whole thing is all about? I have no plans or expectations for my poems at all and they only exists because it is what I truly enjoy and is probably the only way some brutal hack like me could ever obtain a public stage, such as this.
glad some of us live life to the fullest....paints a great time for me
glad some of us live life to the fullest....paints a great time for me
....felt that once...makes me recall bootcamp #*&$%+!
Luckily I can laugh about it now....E
Your poem
a tomb
Your life
my strife
Please stop
this slop
i tried to leave a comment before but it gave me an error
basically, i think you are telling way too much
you need to show us more
give an incident before and after the breakup to illustrate your pain
hint at your want for him to hurt as much as you do
let the reader infer that even though you hurt so much
you secretly want him to come back to you
heartfelt & sweet......
And I would have to agree. I have never changed this poem as it is to me a constant reminder to myself of the 12 year old that wrote it that still resides within me.