andrewjthomas
on The Upside-Down Frown by fevriere
26 Jan 2004, 7:43 PM
the first line is cool
bitter-sweet decay and thorn crown are way over used and do not help you here
eyes plasticated is brilliant
sadly, like others have said i have no clue what you are trying to say
"body, heart & soul"???
come on, i know you know that this has got to be the worlds most cliche word combo
don't you know this???
ugh, this is putrid
ok, fine
i didn't get any of that information from this poem though
i'm just saying you would do well to sprinkle in some concrete imagery
I think that revealing that it is a dream right away seems apologetic, I would leave those references out until "when I woke up". The pig's ear pouch and the beginning of S3 were my favorites. Maybe I am missing the whole point but "Now I'm gonna sing you a lullaby so at least I'll have something" doesn't seem to work, maybe 'at least we'll have something" or "Now I'm gonna sing me a lullaby"... I got the song reference, but you are singing it for the "you" so how will you have "something". Anyhow, I thoroughly enjoyed it. - 10
Ok. I understand what you are saying but what I wrote had nothing to do about the truck stop or where I was at in general.It was the thoughts of a 12 year old boy on the outlook of life and how to make moveing and leaving the things you have grown to know behind...
Beautiful and dramatic. I can't recommend any changes to its present form. 10
the narrator IS confused and distanced. I think calling him by his full name (MLK, Jr.) has even more of a distancing effect, but I did want to call him Martin and have people not know who Martin was.
first stanza: its instead of it's
i really dislike the entire second stanza, it feels very cliche compared to the rest of the piece
third stanza: barren feels too dramatic
i thought of this as a potential replacement when i read that line:
Leaving my horizon undone.
which leads nicely into the next stanza with the sun setting
also, nice refrain at the end
i agree with z about the war line
it doesn't fit and feels cliché
unless "war" refers to some other kind of war (internal)
and if so, that should be more obvious
and even then, i don't know
the ampersands also seemed a bit out of sorts with the other proper punctuation
personally i would capitalize "Daddy"
and break into a new stanza after that sequence
additionally the two instances of "I discovered" and "naked" felt repetitious for no discernable reason
however, overall you paint a very surreal and eerie feeling that i enjoyed
thank-you..i will look into it..as i am new to most poetry terms, it will take some time to find which type best suits my poetry.
um, yeah... this is just... yeah... SO bad
and hey, if you don't like getting ranked
go post your crap somewhere else
makes things easier on all of us that way, don't you think?
slant rhyme, enjambment, please use these techniques
this is also a great candidate for the split couplet form and i think it would really pick up the pace and fit your theme well
also, show us WHY you feel this way and have to keep it all bottled inside
thank-you for the advice..i welcome it. Life is a forever learning process :)
well..what is poetry if not a reflection of ourselves & our emotions?
i read in your comments that this was written when you were "at the top of Mt. Eagle in Tenn." at a truck stop
throw in some specifics about that place to make this more interesting
right now it reads more like monologue than poetry
nope..i dont look like an ape..i'm bald & have buck teeth...LOL (j/k)..thanks ;)
"with effete colors standing out so lonely,
like wither'd husks in the moonlight."
Sadly, the best two lines written on poemranker today. I had to repeat them.
Me? A husk? A ha ha I wish. No, my behuskéd days are over, long since wither'd away, their dry shavlings scatter'd about the land like dead leaves. No, the years of the Dung Pupa are upon me now; my final stage of metamorphosis before the harsh sands of time slip through my inner-underpant lining, and linger there forever, uncomfortably nestled 'tween the stained cheekes of my rear-bosom ere I become gnarled beyond all recognition.
Finger banging causes gardenerella, I know, my mustache is green.
problem solved, i went with vignette, which goes nicely with "picture portrait"
and implies that the ornate decoration is standing out lonely because the actual photo doesn't measure up