richa
on the small drop by richa
25 Jan 2004, 5:34 AM
a reworking of the loved child :
http://www.poemranker.com/poem-details.j
I can't believe you reposted this.
Liked the way you vividly illustrate a poem. The part about the pigs ear was excellent. This to me came alive and kicking from S2. The opening 3 lines didn't grab me and I'm barren as to why. The ending lingered in my thoughts and a very well crafted poem - but hey what the hell do i know? 9
I agree with all your suggestions and will try and deal with each one in the right mood and tone for the type of poem. The grammatical errors i should have noticed. What I tried to evoke in the point about the limp and loving words was his limp was from abuse but the loving words passed on to his son was his resolute determination in not being like HIS Father. He limped physically but never emotionally. 'Solace would be found in the hills' maybe I could say something like 'Solace could be found in the sheperding hills' (but more brief), Mother instead of Mum Iused Mum as its more earthly. I thought about trying to add a line in to why my Mum was in the hills that day but couldn't integrate anything in to a line.
Thank you for your points as it is obvious to me that you have picked up on relevant weaknesses and i'll try and sort it.
Sorry - who again ARE you?
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tomcheese@hotmail.com
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Location: canada
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Last poems posted:
what's behind a plop 24-Jan-04/10:40 AM
NN 19-Dec-03/2:41 AM
horus8 you have a lot of explaining to do 18-Dec-03/4:23 PM
Jesus is a Greek nickname for a Hebrew. And who the hell do you think you are? If you can explain without nicknames or hiding behind your oh-so-liberating internet anonymity, then this poem isn't about you. Besides, it's obviously just a sci-fi story idea too weak to put into prose with a quirky only-halfway-related title.
ja liebe ich meine fröhlichen Männer
Universal genius.
Really nice poem!
yeah, well you missed one. And I feel violated.
Wow. Wonderful. So well-crafted. Beautiful images.
I loved your father's head "bowing like a cumbersome tulip" as he mowed. What a wonderfully apt image.
It's been a long long time since I read narnia so I had to google for Mr Tumnus, but then it became even more poignant.
This is so excellent you will obviously be taking it other places than pomeranker--do you want comments? I'll plunge ahead: There are a couple tiny edits needed: in st. 2 blossoms needs an s; in st. 3 incense is misspelled; and in st. 4 should it be "and HE met my Mother there"?
In st. 2 the second use of Mum seems awkward, mightn't it be better to use mother?
"His solace was the hills" bothers me slightly. Normally, solace would be found in the hills. "solace was found in" is a clichéd phrase you probably want to avoid, but maybe you might consider something like "His solace was in the hills/And he found my mother there too" (I dunno that that's better) and maybe one more line to indicate why she was in the hills that day???
"loving words" at the end of st. 3 seems a little weak & generic in comparison to the rest. No idea at all how to fix that since I'm not entirely sure what you mean by his father's wrath remaining in his loving words. I can think of lots of ways for that to be so, but I'd like to know which one you mean.
SO good...
Dear Goad & tomcheese,
Your conversation was becoming dangerously wacky, so I had nuke it from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.