INTRANSIT
on Da Ghetto by <{Baba^Yaga}>
11 Jan 2004, 12:09 PM
Yes. I feel better already.
A furor like sedative? both words are kind of opposites.
Likewise trust your belly button is daft.
Other than that love the rhythm and rhyme (although to please the purists perhaps it should make more sense in places)
lol.
Like it, think the end of verse one should be 'all fuckin illiterut' or 'all fuckin idiots'
Like the sentiment of that line, rings true.
This is beautiful...intimate and subtly sexy.
"crying their history in the orbs of my eyes" Orbs bugs me. It's like saying the eyes of my eyes. Easy fix.
You're scaring me Horus. Stop, or at least slow the mellowing process, please. Be a doll?
The only thing I'd change is belly button. too silly for a serious piece. And generally speaking, hacks have no idea what assonance and alliteration are. Now tuck, Nip.
Of course I can relate to being unhappy, you boob. Every human being can. Teenagers on the whole aren't any more unhappy than adults on the whole. The only difference is that, while most adults can pull themselves together no matter how awful they feel, most teenagers instantly collapse into self-pity, write a few lines of careless, unpracticed verse about their emotions, post it on a public web site, and call it a poem.
That teenager gets very upset when someone criticises his poem for not being poetry, because he thinks poetry is just writing about your feelings, when it isn't: it's writing about anything you like, but with careful attention to the use of language. "Who are you to judge what is poetry and what is not?" Look it up in a fucking dictionary, or, you know, read some actual real published poetry.
I'm not criticising anyone for being an "amateur". I don't know why you can't understand that. There's nothing shameful or wrong about being inexperienced. But there is something wrong with taking a totally wrong-headed approach to poetry, which is what Blindpoetry and chums are doing.
One more thing: about "constructive criticism". I don't know what you think it is, but I'll tell you what I think it is: Criticism that tells someone where they're going wrong, and what they might do instead. You know, like what I've been doing. In conclusion, you can go suck a fuck, Elizabeth.
Dude? It's not that bad! relax. I love casteneda but got very little from the last two lines. Consentrate, and relax and fix them. You'll do fine.
not a sonnet, sorry
cute
hmmm, solid concrete
not sure what you are trying to say though
still, it's good in what it is
The end is crap, I will be the second to say so. If you have "constructive" criticism, I'm all eyes. I'm really just a hack here horus. I paint and make shit. It sounds savage, but it is. The last lines were Casteneda influenced, but I'm no warrior. More of a dreamer. Or a drunkard.
nicely put.
clap clap clap.
Watching the two of you discuss sentence structure? Is like watching two chikens fucking a spent tampon.
Jesus, your end chucks it? It was great until the last two lines? Do I have to teach you how to end a poem?
Why? because you're fucking stupid?
sweet dude