Shuushin
on Reno by <{Baba^Yaga}>
5 Dec 2003, 8:14 PM
A lyric... - kindof like a Lou Reed type thing? That would work, but I feel like I'm missing the context of this, somehow. The little vignettes are done well - the rhyming stays *just* this side of being contrived.
The comments, even though they are over a year old, are pretty entertaining.
What prompted the re-post?
This is me blabbering:
The line breaks are telling - even the stanza breaks; well done. Either you've seen lots of good poems, or you have more good ones. But some of the word choices, metaphors are â too easy, to my eye, anyway.
Sentimentally, itâs a fairly basic, almost cathartic exercise, but cleanly - efficiently - executed. The tone matches the subject really well. Maybe youâve just made lots of *this type* of poem.
For some reason the frickin thing intrigues me - makes me want to figure it out, as if there is more here. Itâs like I want to see the skills used on some other subject, I want the adept structure building to match the images that are placed on it.
Now I have to go poke around at your other stuff (when I really should just go to bed, obviously)
I'm never comfortable with the ranker used for bashing like this. Sure, it can inspire a poem - JBH is good with that kind of thing (and I'm fine with that), but this is just - ungood.
Go ahead - bash me now. whatever.
jail [cell]
walking + shut[ting], or walk and shut - pick one. better yet, "walk[ed]"
peircing s/b piercing
I dunno, the repetition didn't quite work for me although I like the *idea* of the repetition - it reminds me of a ghazal.
Maybe 1000 piercing nails isn't scary enough - I thought the lions were more so - a 1000 lions... hmmmm.
waterheavy flows - wary nyce.
I think its "how I and you", just for gigs. What do you think - does that sound right? "wondering how I turned into we", - versus "wondering how me turned into we" ... where are the grammar cops when you need them??
I think the shoes are a little heavy on this one, but there is a sense here with some word images that you are capable of much more.
"worderfully"?
<{Baba^Yaga}>
replying on The last Celebrity death match (On ice) by <{Baba^Yaga}>
5 Dec 2003, 12:38 PM
Oh, sorry. lol. I was going to say.
Ja JA - that vuld be awesum!!
([slams fist on table] nicht war??)
What?
Ghirardelli in da belly, Choc-a-bloc with choc-o-lot.
Mmmmmmmm, I prefer Swisssssssssss to thisssssssssss.
JB, that's just more for uhssssssssssssss.
Double Decker! You can take two at a time, wahoo.
Excuse me? "preteen"? 18 isn't preteen, and I won't shut up.
Actually, its (_8_), thankyou.
Lesbian.
really good, i like it alot. very from the heart it seems, have a 9
thats how i feel about my girl