some deleted user
on The Killing Festival Anthem by William Delacroix
15 Sep 2003, 4:55 PM
A puppet with poopy pants.
This touched me somewhere.
Ok, I'm oversurplussed on city traffic. Trade ya for that cliff? Well done. Always good to hear from the Prime Minister.
some deleted user
on Babelfish Poetry (VI): les Graines de Notre Fin (Français) by Geschäftsreise
15 Sep 2003, 4:51 PM
Quit speakin in tongues.
(nod) By the way, I've been thinking about this last stanza and the more I say it in my mind the more I love it:
the interjection of humour about getting near the edge of the cliff subtly adds a warmth and depth to the whole scene that is indispensible:
It is done in such a coy way (inserted into a solemn repetition) that is almost strong enough to oppose your claim of longing - leaving the reader with a sense of 'grinning nostalgia' for lack of a better term.
lapel-grab-haymaker-followthrough. not pulled.
sadness+sadness=sadness
I'm always whining about my life too...only I put it in people's food.
If there were no darkness, I would smell worse in all that light.
You are lost in some otherwordly perambulations even I cannot without proper ballast consider.
An interesting appraisal of maternal middle-americas.
Blipped out by a robot. Next!
Didn't get the allusion to "thy sight" - and blood dripping down and then going "up" to heaven I found confusing- The first part- ending at the line "out stepping intangible boundaries" does not mesh well with rest of poem. Seem like 2 separate parts that do not go together well.
Nice image, enjoyed this!
I like that you picked one immage and developed it with CONSISTENCY.
This has some very nice imagery, some nice lines- but it is not all that clear a poem- interesting you divide one word -overlooking- into 2 words- I do see 2 errors in grammar-
I assume ghost should be plural (ghosts) and adults needs an apostrophe at the end of it: adults' game.
The first phrase is a bit offputting- using "but" there sounds pretentious. "I AM a broken child" is more direct and hardhitting, I think. Explaining why it is a sea of "great minds" would be good- otherwise,it is very unclear. However, there is potential here, worth working on more.
Felt it was a good beginning, makes one point but not enough there to really grab me and keep my interest
"with every raising of the sun
A new ray of hope was given" sounds too trite, too cliched.
I like the equating of getting on and off a bus with life in general, final last stop being death- should work on this poem more, neat idea here.
Jill Stockinger
on My nails are in love with your chalkboard by Jeremi B. Handrinos
15 Sep 2003, 3:57 PM
Thought provoking, but not great poetry.
Very beautiful evocative line: clinging us each tighter to the other
Liked this poem Very much
Keep trying and someday even you shall poo out a poesie.