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Broken Child

Member since 2003 · Posted 15 Sep 2003 · 3 comments

I am but a broken child Swimming through a sea of great minds. A child playing an adults game But still I plan to succeed. For here there are no rules This is my hidden world On the edge of insanity Where all can enter But some may never leave This is my edge of disaster On a cliff of despair Over looking all the Broken bodies of Ghost and days gone by...

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mean 4.00 weighted 4.88 rank 10044 views 170 View voting details →

5 votes so far. Yours would make 6.5 votes so far

3 comments

[5] nentwined 15-Sep-03/6:44 AM Reply

I need more to see if you're saying something interesting. Some work on the flow of it would make people more willing to listen to whatever message you have.

[5] Jill Stockinger 15-Sep-03/4:14 PM Reply

This has some very nice imagery, some nice lines- but it is not all that clear a poem- interesting you divide one word -overlooking- into 2 words- I do see 2 errors in grammar-
I assume ghost should be plural (ghosts) and adults needs an apostrophe at the end of it: adults' game.
The first phrase is a bit offputting- using "but" there sounds pretentious. "I AM a broken child" is more direct and hardhitting, I think. Explaining why it is a sea of "great minds" would be good- otherwise,it is very unclear. However, there is potential here, worth working on more.

[n/a] deleted user 15-Sep-03/4:53 PM Reply

This touched me somewhere.