I don't know the technicalities of a Haiku... but it is a seductive concept you've put here... 10

You have great sounds in this, long and slow, and good unobtrusive alliteration. Z's right, though; this is a river mouth--the meandering, the salt. Great images--really fresh and accessible.

nice reeking stench of rancor... 8

nice ending there... 10

you can do better than "you are my friend, pure as gold", otherwise, it is beautiful... 8

How come men have more enjoyable bathroom experiences than women?? 9

1. tell me how old you are 2. tell me what your endgame is 3. tell me how far you want me to go. z

much much more than youusually give us! smart. 2 quibbles: 1. tarns have mouths? since when? rivers do--not lakes. 2. comma at the end of L5, since the phrase's purpose is to modify. nice work. no vote yet.

READ READ READ READ READ READ never thought of translating it sorry. here is the translation for the last two stanzas: Yes.Sport is extremely important Perhaps it's the most important But the don't put an emphasis,on sport as a whole What about free development, Nothing I now understand the life of the teenager I see it's full of filthy dirty injustice But overall- Saint Munchins College has brought Me to a man from a naive teenager *************************************************** the sport refers to the fact that my school always prided itself on its sport,but the fact is that it is a rugby school.rugby only.other sport is shunned.so i say 'how can one develop freely' READ READ READ READ READ READ

thanks for the comments and support everybody.much appreciated.

yea. i put this poem in last year in a competition.got to the semi. when in school i studied the work of Gerard Manley Hopkins. i loved him,and his so many unique styles. i just took one, which as you said is, splitting the line up into two,and putting the first part last.thanks for the comments

have i seen this one before? i'm dead sure i have. poetry.com? yea,when i saw it there,i thought some of it was pretty wierd,and hard to understand.but i get the main parts.that line 'and precarious fob eachother off as' , is that two parts back to front?either way, nice piece of work.hard.but nice

i like your poetry in general.it appeals to me, i suppose i can say we are in the same boat. the last three stanzas are really powerful. 9

just out of school,so i think i understand it well.like where you are going with it, esp about the 'killing individuality with art bit'.mother is irish,she translated.rhyme is good. 8

first of all, thanks for the comments. second,i like it.it is, what seems to me, to be quite nostalgic.i duno, i have always had a thing for personal and nostalgic poetry,and this fits in here.very well written. 10

Well, that was a cupped handfull of steaming hot piss.

Your use of language and ability to illustrate so much with concise lines always makes me envy you. Not that it matters but heres your gold nugget --10

God your good

Fuck me you've come on leaps and bounds Pinkbuns, heres a 9 and congrats on the top 10

from here is fine: The megre,insignificant and wretched, ...Our foolish...- are foolhardy puissant individuals, And precarious fob eachother off as, Whose persona is not pellucid, Forget their ignorance-through the leviathan, So is it best,not to be the best, The distinctive,innate and innocuous, But just.....Ordinary But prior to it reads like a different poem altogether, its different in style and is drowned to overkill by rhyme. Easy on the word void, there is rescind which is another defintion of the word. I like the end which i pasted above but it reads more like a collaboration due to the difference in styles. another 7. Your always welcome on my feedback.