Shardik
on How it should have happened by INTRANSIT
29 Jul 2003, 9:09 AM
Lap dance at Cheetahs'
Nice but does the poem have a purpose/ a meaning
Kind of like the set out. You do it create pauses as the reader scans the page right?
I'm with katie when I say I can not really connect with the poem. I prefer more simple language to draw you in.
A very pretty poem, not sure where the logic is though
'Six years passed by, and so did my fever' is such a good line but it does not fit, shame.
the ever/forever/whereever rhymes shouldn't really work. But this poem reads so well
a bit prosaic and cliched.
'Blood on the pavement my mind elsewhere' I like though distant and irreverent
Lots of good lines here, in fact there isn't a line that deviates from the mature style. Unfortunately I think the poem lacks a logic running through it. If there is a logic and at the end you can reveal it, it would make a very good poem
I'll give you an -8- because there is a lot to recommend this
save the last stanza. cut the rest. the last is the only one where you say what you really mean. maybe the problem is that you don't want to be honest with yourself in your poetry. maybe that is why you always abstract the meaning, hiding it in your own personal labyrinth.
this is nice:
The melodies we sang that compensate fond aches
but you do try me with the rest of those phrases strung garishly together to beat upon my consciousness
stubborn. willful. viscous when provoked. and the life of the party.
nice one. alittle wrinkle here and there, but i felt it.
LOL that's it! we're boxin' on this disney thing. Thanks for the pick-me-up. I'll be laughing at this all day.
rich, you need to shut up and write. have a nice drinkie, to get the juices flowing. float off in a skiff. put up a hammock. take off your shoes. have a hose fight with a kid. and stop watching so much damn disney. it's poison.
I meant poetically. Though I have gained so much ground due to the 'ranker and all involved. But,I think, it may not be me. ya know?
why?
I'm somewhere between lost and found at the corner of walk and don't walk.
You and that other chick have already conquered the day.
It's only 8 a.m.
i´m here and i´ll have no talk of embrowning for embrowning is an tutonic practice to be carried out by large cocked bavarian gentelmen pon the banks of the rhine or ha ha of course Isar. It is a most dangerous occcupation and quite frankley Tan lines are in this season. don´t you know anything. Besides i for one prefer a fat white lardy arse.
i dont like the way you decided to present this thing, looks as if you were having seizures when you put this together.
I liked the presentation.. 7.
Once apon a midnight moon
came a baker
a night walker
salt shaker, wavin her cheeks
hasnt showered in two weeks
I watched my friend pay
30 bucks thrown away
he pressed his lips
against her vertical smile
he ended up in a pool of bile
puking sour dough
There.. not the best rewrite, but i think it tops your piece nevertheless. ;)