richa
on Maman: Psychic Tophet by SupremeDreamer
24 Jun 2003, 1:28 PM
yes this needs much shortening,
the twists for me are the creative uses of language in between the babble
but there is lots of good stuff
Sure, why not.
To dark for no reason, remove your last sentence entirely, and it would find the lowest level, trust me, I know.
OUCH!!!
What about T-paper, this is way worse then my insanity.
Listen Bachus,
I know you mean well, but since people suspect that you're really me (not) this comes across as being just a bit conceited and creepy. Do me favor, please do not discuss my past without filling out the appropriate paper work for a proper license and waivers.
Thanks, carry on, drunk.
There are some brilliant twists and observations in here. Compact it by 50%. find and correct some typos and misspells. And there could be a couple of structural improvements.
Because it's not, it's a virus called SCARS
Cheese grater? Don't you mean a cotex.
Wow dude, next time, use both barrels.
wow dude i like that alot ur pretty good
It's sad, but thats how I feel sometimes. Then I realized that with willpower and education you can change your own destiny.
Hmm, maybe your last line is better. A collaborative effort. Incidentally, my faltmate who has just moved out really did leave behind a telescope for looking at stars, but I think it's missing something important, like a lens or whatever. And it doesn't get dark until about half past ten in this midsummer season on our small island in northern Europe.
Is that good or bad?
Precisely why I'm bisexual. A summer and winter home.
If I could offer you some advice it would be take more risks, and find and mix layerably more stimulating subjects and materials. For example, put tis poem inside of a diner with al of the weird characters that would accompany the diner of your imagination, 100 year old waitress with a tit job. gay tough guy rapist trucker, and so on. think U turn (the movie) then mix in this subtextualesque story of a chick that ignores you piece. capeesh.
SupremeDreamer
replying on A Gordian knot (Some dirt on a friend of mine) by Bachus
23 Jun 2003, 8:19 PM
Ahh, but I have, and they don't speak of being plagued by visionary states and emotional and mental torture and suffering to such degrees. Rarely have I met such people cept a few, and some other extremely disturbing examples such as your piece up there.. i dont see a common pattern..
Just because you haven't written anything even worth mentioning in months... don't take your writer cramps out on me. I'm trying to work here, if you don't mind Mr. Maturity award with side of funless funyons and a Diet Dr. Pooper.
You are mistaking what all poetry should do for a connection all children at that age have. 85% of children are damaged at that age because of the rapid changes occuring, physically, mentally, and evironmentally. Try it, ask anyone what happened top them betwen the ages of three and 5, and watch carefully.