asimpleman
on selfish by <~>
7 Apr 2003, 7:56 AM
Please get a life or a sugardaddy to bang u slut....
Cool as fcuk 8
h, help me title this? i'm not happy with it the way it is.
I would sooner be found in bed stuck in Saddams arse by a CNN crew with my family watching then ever have to read that pile of contrived bowel leakage.
thank you, thank you.
i assure you, the meter stop was intentional. i like to put the breaks on, now and again. i know it fucks with the meter, but it also slows the poem down enough for it to end, tightly.
i have received a lot of criticism about my uneven meter; hell, i've had a lot of rejections with that comment. maybe someday i will decide that they were right and i was wrong. today is not that day.
What I did isn't closeminded at all; there's nothing to close my mind off to. Just because a substantial amount of people associate the sun with all things masculine doesn't mean everyone has to abide by it as if it were an unspoken rule, something I see happening a lot on Poem Ranker. Heaven forbid I call the sun by 'she', something that doesn't have sex organs to identify it as neither male nor female in the first place. I don't think anyone is looking to mimic and copycat anything in their haiku; I certainly am not. If haiku, all of poetry and the rest of the world was static and stagnant, nothing would ever evolve and grow. What kind of a world would that be to live in?
Dude, no.
Best vilanelle I've seen on this site to date. As in the greats--"Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night" being the example that leaps foremost to mind--you make the structure feel natural and sensible instead of painfully forced. That isn't easy to do.
That being said, I do have a small complaint. In the final two stanzas, the second line in each breaks from the established rhythm. "Parry" and "weary" are both stressed on the penultimate syllable, whereas every other line in the poem is stressed on the final syllable. Read it aloud; you'll hear it.
Other than that, wonderful, wonderful.
S'good. I like it. Most people come across as pretentious or psuedo-intellectual when they use words like "miasma," but you manage to make it work, and I have to respect that.
I messed with black magic once. Not something you want to do lightly. It follows you. Just behind and to the left.
There it is. I guess I should dive in, go all the way, follow the dark muse to its bloody end. Maybe then, maybe then,
I'd be free. Meanwhile, I'll just send a curse to all mine enemies.
um, actually, it's sublimate that means to pass from solid to gaseous state, but, sublime (as the root of the word) works well here.
yer welcome.
Hellalooyah! That's "perfect"! Mwah! I kiss your feet! Mwah! (ew!)
Thank you thankyou!
(!)
Mind day, find say, dissonance cursed, ominous versed, book me, look free, night-light.
If I wanted to write a real poem on black magic and not a bilboard counting device, to see how many idiots come over to see "black magic" I would. hatmf???
well then, how about sublime? which means perfect--as she was in your desore for her, but also because to sublimate is both to go from a state of matter directly to gas, without becoming liquid first (misc. soul/heaven interps) and also to express a socially unacceptable desire, usually sexual, in a way generally considered healthy--e.g.--you want to hit someone--you become a boxer. holy ontario, batman--look at that sublime word!
maybe you could say something like, "across the whole of ontario" to clue in the reader? because i'd venture to say that 90% of the people reading this are going to think you mean the london in UK, and go ,"huh?" like i did, unless you drop a clue to alert them otherwise.
... and as for the last line... it's true, "perfect" is one of those words I tend to use when I can't quite find the right one. It always seems to fit.
Gah! The truth revealed? Ignore that last sentence! Pay no attention to the man behind the computer! It's all a dream! Wooooo!
well, it's more about how she makes the cats her circle of friends, and less about the actual cats themselves. because, you know, apart from the narrator, there's only her and them there cats.
London, Ontario.
Not the most famous city, but it's where I hang my head.
but, london to toronto by train???
not perfect, if wasting.
otherwise, damn this is good.
here i'll vote. and i'll do it again, once you assuage me.
Dude if your brother used you as a fucktoy this isn't the place to tell the world. It's best to keep these things secret and to ourselves. The shame is yours and yours alone. Liked 3rd stanza best.