Ranger
on The lyric of the cabbage by Dostoyevsky
6 Apr 2003, 8:00 AM
The commas, the commas...NOOOOO
You are most certainly better at writing these lighthearted ditties than the poems of yours.
I'm thinking an 8 sounds about right.
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Right, here goes. I really like line 13, it works...although I agree with z that a bit more elaboration would work. You think that my work has too many intricacies, which may well be true-but here I think you could easily afford to offer more description to the reader. Make me see the peasant, make me see the illusion. Get rid of the 'random images and thoughts' because that tells nothing. If you must keep the thoughts, let the reader know what they are and why they are relevant. Definitely keep the line after-it's great.
You must expand and explain the delusion and the truth because they're meaningless as they are. I saw that you want people to take your work at face value which is cool because that lets you go full on crazy with description-but that means you must describe and tell everything that needs to be told in order to make sense of the poem.
Okay, that's that for now. I will not vote on this yet because I expect you will want to edit it. At the moment it wouldn't get a very high mark, but I will come back to mark it when you've redone it.
Definitely remove the commas. They are unnecessary in this format.
PS Why you in a stress with me?
Why are you in a bad mood with me?
I didn't want fire and passion in this because it's supposed to be a sad poem. Please also give me an example of an intricacy, this wasn't something I wrote deliberately to look clever, it was done in approx 10 mins and I later edited.
Oh well, thank you for giving me your opinion.
thtupid
4-7-4
6-7-5
far and away better than most crap i read here
you have captured the essence of America...NOT!
Really good i know what you mean completly -9-
Wow how crazy well its 10pm here which isnt that late but i slept on a hard floor last night so im off to sleep in a decent bed now! G'night x
Its 3:56 in the afternoon here according to new york time.
Im glad you like it at least! damn that Dsky he likes me better wen im depressed just coz he is all the time! are u in the US? what time is it over there?
I'd jutht like to thay thatth thwell! -9-
yeah it seems personal. i like it a lot. my love poems were depressing me so ive tryed to broaden my spectrum (but they all think theyre crap - oh well back to the unrequited love)
Yeah. I was walking home from work one night after I got dumpt and someone said the words Dirty Deed as I was walking out the door. I was in a sublime mood all day thinking of "date rape", "pool shark", and "wrong way" and then I just started free versing. When I got home I wrote down the bulk of what I was saying and just let it sit there for awhile and then I was talking to my ex-girlfriend and she started talking about how stupid the guy she dumpt me for was and thats how it got its ending.
Aww, thankz ranger =) that means a lot coming from a guy where most of his work is 6's. Florida is pretty good, nice n hot! I'm loving the beaches! And spring break is coming up soon so yeahZ!!!! No more school! Any more questions, or just wanna talk my e-mail is sassyangel989@yahoo.com, TTYLz, and thankz agian!
isnt this kinda like that thing we did in year 5 or 6? about the woman and the mirror and lancealot and all? Oh well this was quite comical and all but nto your best, the best ones where your tortured love poems, id sa resently you have gone down hill, but thats the way life goes
YOU TRY TO HARD, your poems are full of intricacys they dont need, they are frankly souless as well there is no fire no passion. basically that describes all your poems, so thats 10 for effort, 0 for soul and 4 for over all so a total of 3 out of 10
its about fate its self the images are of fate its all inter-connected, GOD you people so obcessed with intricate things that you cant take it for face value
First an apology to other users of this site if I take a quick moment to try and contact an old friend....
Hi Corey. My name is Becki Caddy, and I live in Conwall in the UK. I am wondering if you are the same Corey McHattan that came to Cornwall about 10 years ago with your family. If you are not, then please ignore the rest of the email, if by some amazing coincidence you are, then please read on!!
I kept in touch with your sister Holly for quite a few years after your exchange to Mount Hawke, but our letters petered out 4/5 years ago. I was looking through some old boxes and found some of Holly's letters and wanted to get in touch. Anyway, i'll get to the point. I found in the White Pages online that your Mum and Dad still live in Coffs Harbour, and was planning on writing a letter, but being an impatient 21st century gal, I decided to try to find an email address instead. I've only found 1 mention of Holly on the net, recording her achievment on finishing Orara High School in 2001, so I'm guessing she's at college now. I did however find several mentions of your name, and I'm hoping I've found the right guy! I'd appreciate it if you could let me know if I have, and pass on my address to Holly/pass on hers to me if you can.
My email address is caddyrj@hotmail.com
Thanks for listening to my babble! Sorry to trouble you, Becki Caddy.