razorgrin
replying on Last Nightâs Dream (Freud-o-riffic) by razorgrin
6 Apr 2003, 7:36 PM
No, do less all-nighters.
halfway thanks.
Me, and every advanced culture that's ever existed on this planet for the last 20,000 years. Even the Amazon's viewed the sun as a masculine star, and they were as dikey and stupid as it gets, but then I read this. I never knew Ra was short for Ramona. Now I do. Next you're going to tell me that Jesus was a female alien impersonating the son of god right? Please don't abuse the son because you have know understanding or control over the men in your life. It shows a closemindedness that you were really going after when you wrote this. I would believe that God was a woman before the sun, and that says a lot. In your gut, so do you, and 99.9% of the planet for 99.9% of our current history, oral and written.
All life is temporary, and when it's pure shit out the gate it's kind of hard to tell when the payback is happening fuckface, because it never stopped, or started, it just always was. Is this your way of making a point? Because if it is? You are either projecting your own closeted insecurities about yout identity and penis size, or even worse, an uninformed self righteous security guard at walmart taking a wack at poetry. better stick with the shoplifters. I bet you thought you'd never have something in common with why farmers invented scarecrows huh? Moron.
No. The path of the grey and the red are forbidden to pick, hence, why they are that color.
There is a place beyond all of this pitter patter. That place is life on the planet Earth. Try it.
a brilliant ennui.
If I was not so depressed, this would have depressed me. I did smile slightly, although, it hurt my fece'.
ooooh delicious!! aren't you the schemer.
my only problem, too many rhymes in the second stanza.
but keep everything else
especially the last stanza-it gave me shivers. 9
Well, I came to read this thinking Mrs. garbage found something interesting, and I was right! a one for effort!
some of the adjectives are drammatical and very unecessary....pretentious even. take some of them out before they drown out the rest of your thoughts
mmm...you kindof mixed me up in the last paragraph but other than that suprisingly good
Congrats you're the millionth person to not read the other comments. I tried editing it and it didn't take. I don't care to try again. Get off my ass.
tedious yet disturbing. i give you a 7
ain't that the truth
get over it
Yep, I like this one too, but I would love to see more description in the second stanza. Even so I believe this is worth an 8.
("Love never dies, it stays"-one of the best lines in any of your poems)
Right, here it is. I've been thinking about this one a bit and whereas there's some good stuff I believe that you should try to inject some beauty into it. The bit that gets me is 'drowning pool'. That has no relevance to the poem. Use a better adjective-one that's more truthful or change the line a bit. What about "Tumbling under this troubled pool". Well maybe not that but you get the idea.
It's quite difficult for me to read these while listening to Wishbone Ash.
Do I notice just a hint of Plato in here?
Also I can see that only myself and Lunar have read this one. All I can suggest is that you spend time reading the works of others.
Have a nice day-see you tomorrow.