i need an edit on it, tint. wanna throw down on this one? mark it up, and email it to me. you're versant in this tone. i'd appreciate the help. the criticism i have received is that it needs help with the rhythm, and that it either needs to be a) more specific--more detailed or b) less specific--more mythic. feel like tackling it?

Relax, I'm insecure too. You've got nothing to mope about. So stop, it's unbecoming. Sorry about the comment, I had a fussy kiosk and I'm on the road. To be more specific, I don't like what horus does like in your poem. the steering wheel thing makes it sound hooker-ish. Ignore what I said about the daed thing. Leave it alone for a while sounds like you're trying too hard. Relax, have fun, write something silly or stupid just for a reality check.

sic this. and, you have keyed this so succinctly as to leave it inaccessible, at least for a skimmer. it's hiddin in the ashes of idyll passed. it's rubbled under, and romulus and remus dug their way out at last. i'll hold my breath for it. shit, i've been holding it for aeons.

well if you prefer mind-numbingly cliched poems, you have come to the right place! may i suggest you start with those named above? glad i could help you out, old chum!

I know how that goes. I change songs as I'm playing them too. I still think the way you say it in the song is cooler than the way its written here just because its a bit more descriptive.