purplestain
replying on The dance by purplestain
9 Jan 2003, 8:05 PM
thank you for your word of advice. i will definitely take it into account in my next attempt at writing.
but why would you not want me to read any more of your poems?
Really good!!! But soooo sad!
p.s.--that's MY palanquin. and i'd appreciate it if you gave back my elephant. and my cabana boy. dammit, h, i never said you could 'borrow' miguel!
sure you can. you have been much, much lower, mr 'let's let bye-gones be bi-gonads'
Better a wood stove than a burn barrel. Very well titled, and delivered.
y'all gotta know who this is about. damn I wish it weren't why
grrr I have no clue!!!
Beautiful poem. I can so relate 2 wat u feel.
omg awww dat was so good i love it mami
Horus, I'm really worried, I just hit a new low and I'm not sure if I can go any lower
just thought I'd mention this, stanza three was accadently repeate so I'm deleated the poem and putting it up and would appreciate if you culd vote on it again. Thanks.
they are.
I do not do ascii art. Thankfully. PS I love you too
this is getting pretty fucking confusing now. Which one of me just did the ascii art of gay porn? PS I love you
pretty good i liked it
Hi purplestain....
This has definite potential but needs some
work IMO. One example: (line 9)
"Melted my cold icy quard..."
Delete "cold"....The reader knows it is cold
because it is icy. Redundancy is a tough one,
for who knows when it becomes, as an example,
merely more descriptive... and meriting inclusion.
Brevity is a good thought and certainly has
merit though I don't mean length but rather,
an economy of words that is pertinent to the
poem's intention or meaning, whether only 14
lines as is yours or 140. Basically, cut away
the fat whenever feasible.
Hope you don't mind my crit and pleassse, don't
read any more of my poems. Everything I mention
to be avoided... I still do only less often than
I used to:) Really a feel good poem, the type I
should write more often though I doubt I could make
one of mime as warm and romantic as yours.
So how about some serious help? Or votes.
Fixed it up now. Thanks for the suggestions. I also added a new verse, so you mean the 3rd to last, not 2nd. Please leave anymore help you can give.
a plebiscite upheavel, a true enbrowning.
hilarious, good one.