on Summer Song by wilco
2 Sep 2005, 3:04 PM
This is really good. I don't mean to make assumptions on your influences, but this does actually sound like a lot of Wilco lyrics.
on The Observer by Jeremi B. Handrinos
12 May 2005, 8:51 AM
*belief instead of believe
Comes off as somewhat pretentious, and loses its focus somewhat in the third part (after "because they are the same").
Comes off as somewhat pretentious, and loses its focus somewhat in the third part (after "because they are the same").
on On the Bank of Lake Michigan by jessicazee
12 May 2005, 8:49 AM
good imagery
replying on a way to pass time by unknown^user
12 May 2005, 7:59 AM
You're right. It's not really about anyone in particular. Is about a certain type of person at a certain time, but it happens to everyone.
I am sorry that you're deprived of "Law & Order" though. In the US, it's always showing on at least one channel at almost any given moment. It's one of those shows that no one really likes, but they just watch, myself included.
I am sorry that you're deprived of "Law & Order" though. In the US, it's always showing on at least one channel at almost any given moment. It's one of those shows that no one really likes, but they just watch, myself included.
on Ooooo..that smell by windyone
3 May 2005, 2:29 PM
Is this an addition to the Lynyrd Skynyrd song?
on chris (not finished yet) by eliznhaz
3 May 2005, 2:29 PM
Is "without out" in the first line a typo?
You may want to considering adding line breaks, especially where things rhyme like at "me" and at "day."
There needs to be some sort of punctuation between "around you" and "I got out."
You may want to considering adding line breaks, especially where things rhyme like at "me" and at "day."
There needs to be some sort of punctuation between "around you" and "I got out."
on farmer's market by fair12
12 Aug 2004, 9:04 AM
I love your use of color. "burry (sic) itself beneath copper blankets" is a great line.
The only issue I have is with the thought of the fourth stanza continuing into the fifth so fluidly since no other stanzas do this.
The only issue I have is with the thought of the fourth stanza continuing into the fifth so fluidly since no other stanzas do this.
replying on Corner of 30th and Tibbs by klosterfobik
11 Aug 2004, 8:53 PM
That's kind of a random question. But no, sorry, it's actually the only residential tower in the business district of Downtown Tucson. I work in the suburbs though, if that helps.
And not to try to be overly picky, but I just hate to see that same mistake: contractions are always on the letter that you cut out (i.e. - can't, aren't, don't, etc.)
And not to try to be overly picky, but I just hate to see that same mistake: contractions are always on the letter that you cut out (i.e. - can't, aren't, don't, etc.)
on The Hundredth End by versus_u
11 Aug 2004, 8:22 PM
I like a few individual lines in this, especially "To steal dots and mimic lines."
I assume "down under" refers to "inside," but I can't help seeing it as a sexual reference in this context.
I assume "down under" refers to "inside," but I can't help seeing it as a sexual reference in this context.
on Corner of 30th and Tibbs by klosterfobik
11 Aug 2004, 8:17 PM
I really don't understand a lot of the language in this. What is/are "the recent new of guiltless lovers?"
on The Sky and the Pond by somemorepoetry
10 Aug 2004, 9:36 PM
This is very well-written. I'm always drawn to these poems which seem to expand the reflection of a single moment and tell a story of feelings instead of events.
I especially like this because it really made no sense to me until I read into the things that seemed out of place.
I feel that the introduction of the characters is a little too strong since the conclusion doesn't really wrap up their stories.
I especially like this because it really made no sense to me until I read into the things that seemed out of place.
I feel that the introduction of the characters is a little too strong since the conclusion doesn't really wrap up their stories.
on A beautiful moment by freelancejoker
10 Aug 2004, 2:06 PM
Easy for most nature lovers to identify with, and your use of repetitions is well-received, at least by me. Looks like a lot of effort and appreciation went into this.
Have to knock you for giving your own poem a 10 though (remember, your IP is always logged whether logged in or not).
Well done though.
Have to knock you for giving your own poem a 10 though (remember, your IP is always logged whether logged in or not).
Well done though.
on One dot.And the rest is our lives by Prince of Void
10 Aug 2004, 12:35 PM
More visual art than poetry, especially when taken in a poetic context, but powerful nonetheless.
replying on Punk Rock Christmas by unknown^user
10 Aug 2004, 12:06 PM
Touché! Reads like the warning on a side mirror though.
Aye, good cleaning up.
Also, I have a problem with "I sat in a cloud." With all of the Western imagery associated with clouds, it's difficult to put yourself in (or on) one and still have the reader believe that you are lonesome and/or depressed. Think of Zeuss, angels, and of course, Mick Jagger!
Also, I have a problem with "I sat in a cloud." With all of the Western imagery associated with clouds, it's difficult to put yourself in (or on) one and still have the reader believe that you are lonesome and/or depressed. Think of Zeuss, angels, and of course, Mick Jagger!
replying on Punk Rock Christmas by unknown^user
10 Aug 2004, 8:44 AM
Well put.
The faceless anonymity of the Internet, and this community specifically, provide us with the opportunity for receiving honest, unbiased, and sometimes harsh constructive criticism. I consider this a blessing and is why I come back. I would ask that comments such as the previous not be posted publicly so as not to discourage the more shy who might otherwise have something to add, but hesitate for fear of reprisal from users whom they would criticize. If you feel a need to vent, do so through poetry, that's what it's there for.
The faceless anonymity of the Internet, and this community specifically, provide us with the opportunity for receiving honest, unbiased, and sometimes harsh constructive criticism. I consider this a blessing and is why I come back. I would ask that comments such as the previous not be posted publicly so as not to discourage the more shy who might otherwise have something to add, but hesitate for fear of reprisal from users whom they would criticize. If you feel a need to vent, do so through poetry, that's what it's there for.
replying on Punk Rock Christmas by unknown^user
10 Aug 2004, 8:36 AM
In this instance, "raver" implies an individual who attends raves. They ironically have the reputation for being over-friendly, as is one of the effects of the drug ecstasy.
on OLD AGE BLUES by massangel62
9 Aug 2004, 8:02 PM
"being ate"? You push those verb conjugations far enough and they'll scream at ya.
Rambling, and the ending is just plain cheesy. Plus, the rhyming is so rigid that there's no room for the rhythm to get off, but it still does.
Sorry.
Rambling, and the ending is just plain cheesy. Plus, the rhyming is so rigid that there's no room for the rhythm to get off, but it still does.
Sorry.
on Two Mirrors by Dovina
9 Aug 2004, 7:23 PM
Bitter resignment. I only take slight issue with the isolation/cages metaphor. It's a little too overused.
Thought about starting a new stanza at "familiar smells"?
Thought about starting a new stanza at "familiar smells"?
on Missing Grand Miss. by timtonio
6 Aug 2004, 12:04 PM
Something about this just reminds of a Doobie Brothers' song (I think it's obvious which one).
I love the subject and the language, but the 3rd staza seems out of place amongst those same elements.
I love the subject and the language, but the 3rd staza seems out of place amongst those same elements.