on some deleted poem
4 Mar 2007, 3:28 PM
Leave it at the first line and stop writing poetry! Love is better!
The first thing that comes to mind, besides liking this, is that the "faint signs of cracking" in your painted smile are something he might notice, but you might not. I'd put it third person, i.e.
As he turned and walked away,
the painted smile upon her face, . . .
As he turned and walked away,
the painted smile upon her face, . . .
on i feel so cold by minty871
12 Mar 2007, 6:15 PM
If you want to use street language, ok, but it's a bit off-putting as it comes only late in the poem. I bet this is a good song; like to hear it.
on Just today by MacFrantic
12 Mar 2007, 6:18 PM
Pretty good.
on A New Deal (Rewrite) by oneglove
12 Mar 2007, 6:22 PM
Too much explaining and generalizing, where just showing the scene and the man's feelings would work better. With a well-worn topic like this, something unique is needed. I do like the Chorus.
on some deleted poem
12 Mar 2007, 6:29 PM
I like your stretches of words - grouts, lathes - even if they are far-fetched. Shouldn't it be Daimler's?
on A Question by poetry_rancour
13 Mar 2007, 10:21 AM
Beau is a boyfriend. But what is a "boo'? Anyway, a funny thought.
on some deleted poem
13 Mar 2007, 1:31 PM
breath should be breathe. A good metaphor, but somewhat repetitive, and a bit too obvious. It doesn't work well in a sonnet as written, free verse maybe.
on some deleted poem
13 Mar 2007, 10:33 AM
Welcome to Poemranker. Please ignore the slobs who have splattered this place of late, and realize that before there were some who actually tried to write and to comment. Hang in for a while and see what happens. And btw, this is rather clever and unusual. I especially like "throbbing ovaries/ eggs on legs/ legs on the move."
on some deleted poem
13 Mar 2007, 12:29 PM
It has a good rhythm and a good flow with a few exceptions â âin a daycareâ âmany books now become a stackâ I donât understand âits a companion that I lack.â It seems itâs a life you do not lack. Do you mean Cheerios, the breakfast cereal; or cheerios, goodbyes? I suspect the former.
on The Landscape by Sasha
12 Mar 2007, 6:09 PM
This place has become overrun with vermin while you were away. Not much to do here anymore, unless you want to discuss feces and the like. I always like your poems, and Desnos must be ok too, but how would I know? Best of luck wherever you post.
on some deleted poem
13 Mar 2007, 1:19 PM
lol
on Abused Light by Greeny
13 Mar 2007, 3:03 PM
Good descriptions of fireworks exploding in the night, if that's what it is. I don't see why light is abused, unless the fireworks are irritating someone; it's not clear. I think "expose" needs an apostrophe on the last e. The semicolon should be a colon or dash, I think.
on Business As Usual (Nothing Personal) by poetry_rancour
14 Mar 2007, 12:49 PM
Sorry, I don't picture this beast.
on You Could Be A Winner by poetry_rancour
14 Mar 2007, 12:53 PM
Yep, those are about equal odds. "dividend" works, but "strife"? Maybe something more fatal.
on Wait by MacFrantic
14 Mar 2007, 12:57 PM
Sung, it might move me, but just reading, it seems like repetitive meander without arriving.
on Jess and Andrea during english class by jesslew
14 Mar 2007, 1:03 PM
Jess is a woman (can have children) apparently by Andrea, a man. Then Andrea will soon be a mom. Nice. At least the lines are 5-7-5.