on Goodbye Sad Door by woodstock20000
2 Jan 2006, 4:47 PM
I like this a lot, up to near the end. Try ending it like this:
and so I continue to
knock
at the iron door
I don't think the rest of it helps.
and so I continue to
knock
at the iron door
I don't think the rest of it helps.
on Schoolyard Walls by Joe-joe
3 Jan 2006, 11:35 AM
"bobby sock pick tailed girls" I won't even ask.
on This Is Me by PoeticXTC
3 Jan 2006, 11:43 AM
Spelling, punctuation, grammar!!
on you clinker by celticskatermatt1
3 Jan 2006, 11:44 AM
forced rhymes.
on Half Hearted by elderking
3 Jan 2006, 11:48 AM
The rhymes seem mostly unforced, and the first verse is good. Verses 2 and 3 add little to the meaning, and they flow less well.
on Claim to Call by MacFrantic
3 Jan 2006, 11:55 AM
I like the idea of this, "Shouting for a sight to see" when the realization stikes "a claim to call on the silence of our memories" as a better thing to do than looking for some sight to see. Maybe that's not what you meant, but I like it.
on light [edited] by lmp
3 Jan 2006, 2:57 PM
I can't picture it. Sorry.
on Schoolyard Walls by Joe-joe
3 Jan 2006, 3:04 PM
Unless you mean something very annoying, try "pigtailed."
on greymo(u)rn by lmp
5 Jan 2006, 7:41 PM
Some nice thoughts here. It's a prose poem at best. Not free verse. As a short story it might be better.
I see no reason for not introducing a Short Story category, under 500 words.
I see no reason for not introducing a Short Story category, under 500 words.
on some deleted poem
4 Jan 2006, 3:00 PM
Yes, except for "Shall I forever render you hollow and jaded?" I wish somebody knew me so well he could do this. Nice job, but consider making it an experience, not a permanent wounding.
on Sunlighting by ALChemy
5 Jan 2006, 7:29 PM
A lovely, fanciful expression. I think "emerald dress that stretches to the horizonâs hem" would sound better and become grammatical as "emerald dress stretches to horizonâs hem"
on Pledge by http://mulberryfairy
8 Jan 2006, 4:04 PM
This is a comical turn on what we all do as writers. I laughed at myself, and that makes it a therapeutic read.
on do i know you? by daggatolar
8 Jan 2006, 3:53 PM
This is good except for Line 2, which can go, I think.
on [] by Prince of Void
9 Jan 2006, 7:00 PM
I hate all this giddy positive attitude psychology in the face of despair. Can't you just show the empty abomination in everything and the voidness of even thinking of anything as good or bad?
on some deleted poem
9 Jan 2006, 6:45 PM
Yea, it's about how we feel, not all this rightness and wrongness crap. We all have something we choose not to blame - mood swings, Tourette's syndrone, dyslexia. Of such Tolstoy would be proud, and frome us as Anna Karenina, Napolian or The Emoticon in 600 poages.
on The Dark Days of Aristotle by somemorepoetry
9 Jan 2006, 6:49 PM
The world was too populated or Aristotle, and today not populated enough, some say. Think I'll go east, back to the green hills of Tennessee.
on some deleted poem
9 Jan 2006, 6:56 PM
The punctuation would be improved, I think, by eliminating the capitals at line beginnings, all but the starts of sentences. I think, against common belief, that all punctuation in a poem like this is unnecessary, save a few, because you have placed line breaks mostly where pauses belong, with or without punctuation.
on Uncontrolled scribblings one luch break by Nicholas Jones
9 Jan 2006, 7:02 PM
Get your grammar somewhere close to common acceptance, and I'll say something about what you said.
The dash in march-wind can go I think.
In the last verse, you start with "we" and switch jarringly to "I" as if the collective opinion affects what you believe.
The mirror makes it feel like flying away to something no better that the city with its faults. Maybe that's what you wanted, or maybe another word, not mirror. Also, "could step out and away" seems cluttered and reducible without ill effect to "step away . . ."