on a fat man on the dock by ay deee
21 Oct 2005, 10:43 AM
Again, the first line (last line in your other poem) seems out of place, though it's a good line. I'd drop the first verse altogether.
on There is a journey tree by ALChemy
16 Oct 2005, 6:28 AM
The metaphor brings up fears that the tree, perched on the brink, will eventually fall over, as real trees so perched usually do when a storm comes. But the greater fear is that any such hypothetical refuge doesn't really exist.
on some deleted poem
18 Oct 2005, 3:06 PM
Do you mean spiraling? How about a space after "fire,"? I've had that kind of hope for a change in somebody before. It's a hard thing to hold silent and wait. It shouldn't have to be.
on Air Guitar by Miggy
18 Oct 2005, 3:10 PM
"through the night"
I disagree with "one day we will get this world right."
I disagree with "one day we will get this world right."
on Farm animals by INTRANSIT
18 Oct 2005, 3:49 PM
Your premise: "We only awaken once" It took awhile to see the sun as one awakened thing, the rooster as another. But then you say "then," well, seems it should be "or" or something not implying two awakenings of the same thing. And the butcher block - chips? Oh, somebody must be constructing it, because they don't give off chips in normal use. Then I lose you when chips awaken as farmer and farm.
on a skinny man on the dock by ay deee
17 Oct 2005, 7:10 PM
May I steal your last line? It's great - could use it in lots of places. But it doesn't seem to fit here.
on some deleted poem
17 Oct 2005, 7:14 PM
Please take another look at "Eâen his own self." Because it pales against "He valued you less than wisdom" and other good lines.
on some deleted poem
17 Oct 2005, 7:18 PM
A rogue "I" in S3. God is west in Shannon for sure, keep looking.
on Incommunicado blues (fixed, except for Dovina) by zodiac
19 Oct 2005, 7:47 AM
Why the funky "late-" and "ly" on different lines? Maybe to stress your need for new vocabulary.
Tongue-dance would be a good metaphor, but since you didn't use it, that gives me the right to steal it.
Religion will give you a a scaffold of proper nouns, greetings, and expansive gestures, but then the sentence fumbles, as if the word-dance becomes a twisted twist.
Tongue-dance would be a good metaphor, but since you didn't use it, that gives me the right to steal it.
Religion will give you a a scaffold of proper nouns, greetings, and expansive gestures, but then the sentence fumbles, as if the word-dance becomes a twisted twist.
on some deleted poem
21 Oct 2005, 10:04 AM
It seems more an experament in husbandry to a cruel wife - grief to be sure, with or without alcohol.
Maybe he really loved her, and maybe I've got it all wrong. But I've seen a man like this, chained to his wife, thinking she's good for him, and doubting in my mind that she's any more than a jailer.
This is a very tender and touching expression for me, yet I realize it might not be what you are saying at all.
Maybe he really loved her, and maybe I've got it all wrong. But I've seen a man like this, chained to his wife, thinking she's good for him, and doubting in my mind that she's any more than a jailer.
This is a very tender and touching expression for me, yet I realize it might not be what you are saying at all.
on Leg by jessicazee
21 Oct 2005, 10:10 AM
It's uncertain whether the legs in the first part are yours or his. It's a sexy romp in any case.
on Leg by jessicazee
21 Oct 2005, 10:10 AM
It's uncertain whether the legs in the first part are yours or his. It's a sexy romp in any case.
on The nymph steals the farm-son by <~>
21 Oct 2005, 11:22 AM
"phantoms of future turn wooden on the lathe of fact." !!!
on A SURREAL DEPREDATION! by anushree
22 Oct 2005, 11:14 AM
The ...... is only distracting. Typo in line 6. Some good lines here, but what are you saying?
on LIFELINE by outofdarkness138
22 Oct 2005, 11:20 AM
When a dying person realizes the futility and knows the person he's crying out to wants to help but there's nothing she can do, then you are near the end. Well said, if that's what you mean.
Leave out "thee" though.
Leave out "thee" though.
on A LOVERâS TORMENT by anushree
22 Oct 2005, 11:22 AM
amost of the rhymes seem forced. Still it's a good sentiment.
on some deleted poem
24 Oct 2005, 1:10 PM
The last verse is very dark, for halloween. The first line is mathematically incorrect.
on fox and hounds by nentwined
24 Oct 2005, 1:04 PM
Uncanny, the similarities with "Eclipse" But you have a baboon.
on Take Heart Mr. Drake, the Worst is Behind You by wilco
24 Oct 2005, 8:09 PM
Some good lines here, but as a song, and even as a poem, I think it needs a more direct approach, the form of a balad, where the story builds and the rhythm carries it.