on some deleted poem
6 Oct 2005, 4:40 PM
The title doesn't seem right, otherwise good.
on some deleted poem
9 Oct 2005, 6:20 PM
Fresh cut what? From the title, I'd assume dog shit. Expecting that, the ending seems bland - just a weed.
on Keep on Going by april fool
9 Oct 2005, 6:38 PM
The conclusion does not follow from the premise.
on The Enigmatic Pentagram by ObsequiousGem
9 Oct 2005, 6:42 PM
New age thought or wicca, symbolized by a pentagram, always leaves me wondering if I'm on the same planet.
on In the berth by INTRANSIT
10 Oct 2005, 6:41 PM
Nice, but do you really hear a cat's purr from under the hood?
on The nymph steals the farm-son by <~>
10 Oct 2005, 6:43 PM
Verse 2 is especially nice.
on some deleted poem
10 Oct 2005, 5:11 AM
Nicely flowing love poem. Verse 3 is puzzling and seems out of place.
on Just Before My Shift Ends at The Uptowner by jessicazee
10 Oct 2005, 5:14 AM
I laughed and and sympathized. Bar talk is almost spiritual at times, almost like church.
on Hell is spring by INTRANSIT
12 Oct 2005, 5:41 PM
I like the kinky comparisons: kawasaki green > buds, vile snapdragons, flowers of construction barrel orange. But why would you vow to be knocked cold by her? Maybe you're too into the mechanized unreality of spring.
Lyrics are so hard to understand without the music. I'd say lose the "up" in line 5, but maybe some twang of string requires it. And Adelaide is such an old-time name that I'd expect a song about her to follow the old-time patterns. Oh well, maybe I just don't get it.
on dictates of whose travel agency? by A. Nomaly
12 Oct 2005, 5:34 PM
Travel agencies don't dictate; they sell. Doesn't matter, I don't see what you're talking about anyway.
on some deleted poem
14 Oct 2005, 11:17 AM
Please, as a courtesy to the the new poems being posted, do not recycle all your stuff on the same day. Thank you.
on Sleep It All Away by somemorepoetry
15 Oct 2005, 12:37 PM
Line 4 seems there only for the rhyme.
Just wrap YOUR arms all around me.
But I like the sentiment and the subtle implications. With thr right tune, it'd make a good song.
Just wrap YOUR arms all around me.
But I like the sentiment and the subtle implications. With thr right tune, it'd make a good song.
on never visit a diner twice by Bill Z Bub
15 Oct 2005, 12:42 PM
No comma after diner. I think that "left in the gutter" makes the idea inconsistant. I'd leave out "left." Otherwise very concise and good.
on I Can't Believe He Killed Her by jessicazee
14 Oct 2005, 10:59 AM
And maybe he didn't. The sister coming along late in the poem - ok, but confusing. Comma after "I think." Good overall.
on Midnight Questions by TLRufener
14 Oct 2005, 11:11 AM
I answered in the negative or with unconcern to most of your questions, but "How many people would mourn you and cry?" is worthy of thought.
on Creatures That Crawl To Me by D P Robertson
14 Oct 2005, 11:15 AM
A dream of redundant fears. Could be a lot shorter, but maybe you wanted to stress the recurrance.
on Waking at night by Niphredil
15 Oct 2005, 12:47 PM
The word "dull" seems too bland. Otherwise I like it a lot.