on Spilling Out Sideways by PsydewaysTears
1 Jan 2005, 1:49 PM
Understand the crooked maze. And not a bad use of words that rhyme with it.
on I walk with no road by kawakurdi
1 Jan 2005, 1:35 PM
This could be said with 1/3 as many words and twice the impact.
on some deleted poem
31 Dec 2004, 8:15 AM
welcome back! I've seen the glitters of fish 30 feet below feeding on the coral reefs of Hawaii and wondered how they fared during the big wave of '46, I think it was. They, like half the residents of Hilo, died in that wave. So I must pick at the word "while." Otherwise good.
on willitwork by FreeFormFixation
31 Dec 2004, 8:32 AM
The first half implies some trick of writing you are planning, but I don't see it coming through.
Quotes around the second half imply a note you left for her to find as if by accident. But the line about a charade doesn't work if that's true.
Quotes around the second half imply a note you left for her to find as if by accident. But the line about a charade doesn't work if that's true.
on Separation by MacFrantic
31 Dec 2004, 8:56 AM
A comma after remonstrate would relieve some ambiguity. And conventional spacing would help. It's quite good, really, just hard to wade through at first.
on Below Tide by D. $ Fontera
31 Dec 2004, 9:15 AM
Verse 2 is especially nice. It can happen anywhere.
on An Ode To An Angel by Bhaskaryya
1 Jan 2005, 1:42 PM
"strived for more than what was mine" Good line, and I say that because I have done that.
"lucky few to have seen a miracle" Yes, and it's so easy to see afterward.
Your explanitory notes at beginning and end only detract. The poem stands on its own.
"lucky few to have seen a miracle" Yes, and it's so easy to see afterward.
Your explanitory notes at beginning and end only detract. The poem stands on its own.
on No More Autumn Poems (Edit) by Sasha
1 Jan 2005, 1:54 PM
After feeding the tree all summer, we put on this little show of color, then die. Long live Autumn! Good poem, but I want to be serenaded.
on Point Blank by jroday
3 Jan 2005, 2:17 PM
To answer your first question: I did. I sang them because I was taught, and I still think my parents were right to teach them. They said their world was going to the dogs, and it wasn't near as bad as mine in regard to the moral issues they and you are complaining about. Still I sing Peace on Earth, Good Will to Men, because it's right and they were right and you are right if you don't lose faith. UNTIL THEN.
on some deleted poem
3 Jan 2005, 3:26 PM
Perhaps the lonely colon and the lonely dash might get together and share a tin of - I don't know - cockles and muscles.
on The Widow Bird by Bhaskaryya
3 Jan 2005, 4:21 PM
A little over the top for a bird, doncha think? A young oak is not colossal. An allegory maybe.
on some deleted poem
3 Jan 2005, 4:31 PM
By Verse 4 you finally got to saying what you think is wrong, which is pretty well put. The rest is a rant, and not very interesting.
on Darkness In Disguise by Stacy Stewart
3 Jan 2005, 4:36 PM
Could do without Verse 5, otherwise pretty good. Sounds like Satin talking.
on human by Crakyamuni
3 Jan 2005, 6:29 PM
Don't get it.
on some deleted poem
3 Jan 2005, 8:12 PM
You make it sound like a pastoral scene in Tennessee where suckling calves bump into each other as they slide on the icy grass and their mothers take them in tow.
on Little Girl Sue by Zalev
4 Jan 2005, 9:05 AM
Good up through Verse 7. After that it gets strange.
Fix "Was she being abuse,"
on The Snowcone Man by Zalev
4 Jan 2005, 9:17 AM
It's hard to make everything fit into an acrostic, so a won't complain too much about the relevance of torn sneakers and old clothes to his giving you a snow cone. I agree with Shuushin, it's a good acrostic. Try "Snow cone" in line 5 and "Death is my smile and the snowconeman."
on some deleted poem
5 Jan 2005, 5:05 AM
The first verse ushers me into a room opened through the string beads of your title. From there on it seems it should be simple, but no so. Am I missing something, must be, not like you to say you're alone and can sleep anywhere on the bed in so many words?