on Or So They Say by avery
5 Dec 2004, 10:41 AM
Make the punctuation consistant and the last two lines moire forceful. Otherwise good.
on DEATH by celticskatermatt1
6 Dec 2004, 8:58 AM
Five misspelled words.
The last line is preachy and better omitted.
The last line is preachy and better omitted.
on some deleted poem
6 Dec 2004, 9:00 AM
Economical, tight, well told story.
on Corner Shop, 5 Quinton Road by Caducus
6 Dec 2004, 9:16 AM
"damson" as a verb?
Some unusual and interesting language, "aped by girning monkeys," "cantering blurs," which needs a comma, I think.
"there tone" should be "their tones." Right?
The last verse lacks the punctuation of the first two.
Interesting!
Some unusual and interesting language, "aped by girning monkeys," "cantering blurs," which needs a comma, I think.
"there tone" should be "their tones." Right?
The last verse lacks the punctuation of the first two.
Interesting!
on some deleted poem
6 Dec 2004, 9:22 AM
sorry, I don't get it.
on Dreams of Neverland: A Second Encounter by TLRufener
6 Dec 2004, 9:37 AM
Delightful.
on some deleted poem
6 Dec 2004, 12:17 PM
A new game in which you still play for keeps. How is that new?
on A Christmas Thought by keatsImnot
7 Dec 2004, 11:32 AM
"Oh lets rejoice that happy" ???
on some deleted poem
7 Dec 2004, 1:42 PM
Your name affects your character, like a "Boy named Sue." And "clumsywords" is not helping yours.
"Instantly you are regretful" could be "instantly you regret" with no loss of rhythm. And how do you express an unknown love? Several lines need a closer look for clumsy words.
The rest of your poem is a rather good statement of a common female dilemma, clearly painted, and needing polish.
"Instantly you are regretful" could be "instantly you regret" with no loss of rhythm. And how do you express an unknown love? Several lines need a closer look for clumsy words.
The rest of your poem is a rather good statement of a common female dilemma, clearly painted, and needing polish.
on some deleted poem
7 Dec 2004, 5:26 PM
Why the ' after boxes?
"bone wheel" is a stretch, isn't it?
the last line reminds of my recent "The Rockets' Song" Thinking of the vererans.
Maybe a period after boxes, then "Each wheel clicks . . ."
"bone wheel" is a stretch, isn't it?
the last line reminds of my recent "The Rockets' Song" Thinking of the vererans.
Maybe a period after boxes, then "Each wheel clicks . . ."
on some deleted poem
8 Dec 2004, 10:27 AM
Answer: There's little difference. How does this deconstruct religion or even challenge it?
on Going Camping by jessicazee
10 Dec 2004, 5:21 PM
The first three verses great. And the mulberry tree lines are good - seem to complete the moth lines. But in between, well, why?
on Relativity by Bobjim
10 Dec 2004, 5:29 PM
The first six lines are good, but Einstein's Relativity is not "like" these things.
on some deleted poem
9 Dec 2004, 4:27 PM
Do you really mean, âI would be once more the man in which you had fallen in love.â? If you like the ambiguity, change only âwhichâ to âwhom.â
âReady to take its place.â
âReady to take its place.â
on some deleted poem
9 Dec 2004, 4:39 PM
'someone else could.'
"porkpie hat"?
"porkpie hat"?
on Poet, Earth mover by INTRANSIT
9 Dec 2004, 4:56 PM
Quite good.
on Dreams of Neverland: Invitation to Neverland by TLRufener
10 Dec 2004, 11:58 AM
A delightful fancy that seem calling for meter, even rhyme. I'd sacrifice rhyme though for a steady rhythm.